Not sure what is worse....

So, um, the fertility treatment worked. Yep. I'm pregnant. I have spent the last 22 days since the positive pregnancy test waiting to miscarry, but it hasn't happened yet. Praise Bacon! We went for our first scan yesterday and I saw the tiniest little heart beating of the thing growing inside of me and I felt.... well.... sick.

Mostly because that's how I've felt for the last 3 weeks. Violently ill. I don't feel pregnant, I feel like my boobs are going to explode at the same time my stomach does.

And anxious. Oh the anxiety. I know i'm not the only person who has miscarried in the world, so I'm putting it out the to the universe, if you are one of the lucky ones who miscarried and then went on to a healthy pregnancy, hit me up. Tell me how you coped, because the next 7.5 months are looking mighty long when all I can see is waiting for the cramps and baby dying thing to happen.

I don't know what was worse - the waiting for a positive pregnancy test, or the complete guilt every time I do anything at all. I vomit salad, I keep chips & gravy down. I feel guilty for not eating well. I had some post mix coke to try and quell the nausea, caffeine. I felt guilty. I lifted something at work. Guilt. I'm even working at all. Maximus Guiltimus! Every single thing I do, I'm wondering if I just killed the baby.

I'm getting the feeling though, that this is it. Like literally this will be my life from now on.

The guilt and anxiety never go away do they? I have a sneaky suspicion that once the kid is born (fingers, toes, eyes and legs crossed it IS born) it will in fact, get worse. That every single thing I say to this kid will potentially screw them up and that in 19 years I'll be sitting watching the news and my kid will come on surrounded by a SWAT team. That the thing that I just fed them that wasn't wholefood organic with a side of anti-oxidants, well that just gave them diabetes.  That because I had to go back to work to financially give them a life, the emotional scarring means they will never recover and spend a lifetime alone, smearing lipstick on their face screaming "do you love me NOW MUMMY?"

Seriously, what the hell is this? Is it hormones? It is the maternal instinct everyone talks about? Or has the lack of sleep and absorbed nutrients finally eroded my brain to the point that my level of logic has disintegrated?

Cheers,
Qld Nurse.

HOPE!

Hope.  Is there a greater word? I think not.  It gives you images of green grass, and children playing with bunnies and old people playing cards around a table laughing, and laughing and laughing.

I have an appointment with a fertility specialist.  Originally, thought I would have to wait 3 months.  Although it may not seem like much, after 12 months of disappointment, 3 months is a lifetime.  But it's only going to be about 6 weeks and it makes my heart sing.

So the catalyst, was after 9.5 weeks, 2 weeks of aching boobs, countless times of nausea and the 'feeling' that this was it, I got my period.  Yes, my poor husband did come out into the lounge at 3am to find me wasted and crying uncontrollably listening to Celine Dion (why Celine, why??) and I figured that I couldn't do this again so I made a Drs appointment.

So we have an appointment.  I feel sick.  I'm so nervous about finally getting some answers, but what if it's bad news? What if he tells me that my worst thoughts are true and I can't have kids?  Or what if he tells me what my Dr has told me all along and that it's just because I'm too fat?  I know it's stupid, but I have this deep down feeling that all those mean kids throughout my life were completely right and I'm just a worthless fatty.

What if it works though, and like my friend at work,within 2 months of treatment I'm pregnant with a child?  Like, a real human baby.  That I will have to mould into a human being.  Am I ready?  Are WE ready?  What sort of Mum will I be?  Can I handle it?  Can we afford it?  Will I be one of those people that uploads photos to FB every time their kid takes a dump?  Will I spoil them?  Will I be too hard on them and they grow up to be a serial killer???

My boss told me a couple of weeks ago that I was 'born to be a Mum'.  I was so proud.  But how do you tell if someone's 'meant to be a Mum'.  Do I have a vibe?  Or is it just the fact that I take the student nurses under my wing instead of throwing them to the wolves like I had done to me?  Do I give off a Mummy vibe?

The thing that sticks in my mind the most - is that there are people with REAL problems in the world.  There are people literally dying to get out of their countries, jumping on unsafe boats for the hope of a better life.  There are people living in tents in war torn countries, daily wondering if this day is their last.  But here I am bitching about not being able to fall pregnant at the drop of a West Coast Cooler.  I feel so selfish but I can't stop thinking about it.  It literally controls just about every thought I have during the day.

My best friend is pregnant.  She had hyperemesis for the first 3.5 months of her pregnancy and felt like shit.  She would tell me about how she was 'forced' to go on 2 weeks leave by her boss (she's also a nurse) and that being pregnant was the worst thing she ever did in her life.  I envied her so hard.  I would gladly give up every worldly possession I own and give up work for the chance of a baby.  But that makes me selfish right?  Should someone that selfish be having a child? Will I be able to give up the things I like for a baby? Will my husband and I kill each other from sleep deprivation?

Boils down to 'hope' right?  What do we have if we don't have hope?  Should I hope to have a long career, or good health instead of hoping to fall pregnant?  Should I hope to be able to live comfortably and go on long holidays?

Or should I hope that I continue to have a partner, who loves me so hard for who I am regardless of the challenges we are faced with and if a baby comes along then so be it?

I think I'll hope, that the next time he comes out at 3am and I'm crying uncontrollably, it's when I have a newborn in my arms, my nipples are raw and bleeding, I'm so sleep deprived I could probably get away with murder, and it's because I'm so unbelievably happy that there's no other way to express it but crying uncontrollably.

De ja vu

So I'm "due" tomorrow. For my Aunt Flo I mean, not a baby.

I peed on ANOTHER negative stick.  I think it's about the 6th for this month.  Because I've been nauseous for the last week, I was holding out great hopes.  But no.

The thing is, I started Metformin 6 weeks ago.  And according to my "Fertility Tracker" app, my 'aunt flo' last month came when she was scheduled. And it was the first time since we've started trying that I was actually happy to get my period. Because it was when it was supposed to be. And that meant, I might be regulating. And that meant that this month was 'the month' because when the app said I should be ovulating, I should be right?  The Metformin was working right?  Although I've felt like crap, and have had a couple of hyPOglycaemic events and had some major GI upsets, it's working right?  Especially since my beautiful, forever optimistic Dr had said "she had a woman in similar circumstances and she's just fallen pregnant" it meant I would too right?  Well wrong.

So you know what I did when that dreaded one line only came up?  I got drunk.  Even though, in my head, I'm still holding out the slightest of slightest hopes that all the people that have said "You know little James didn't show up on a stick until I was 8 weeks" and "those tests aren't 100% accurate" - I hope that they're right. But I KNOW that in a day or two, when I get my period, when I'm 'due' I'm going to burst into tears and be devastated, and holding out hope will only make that worse.

I know the nausea I've been experiencing, I've been experiencing ever since I started taking Metformin.  But this is different right?  It was totally morning sickness.  Even though I had absolutely NO other symptoms of pregnancy, it was totally morning sickness. TOTALLY.

The thing I forget? My husband.

Because the thing is, it's Father's Day here in a few days.  And I know, it's going to devastate him as much as Mother's Day devastated me. The Facebook feed of all the happy Mums with their presents and their burnt toast breakfast in bed.  And somehow I think his pain, is less than mine. Why? Because it's my pain and I'm a woman. And that's worse than his right?

He'll never know how it feels to have a life inside him. His sperm count was fine, so it means that I'm the problem.  I'm the failure in this baby-making relationship.  He has no idea.

But he does.  It hurts him.  And sometimes I'm so caught up in my own self pity and depression, that I forget that this affects him too.  He's ready to be a Dad.  He came home from work the other day in tears, because I'd greeted my pregnant best friend with 'Hey Mumma!' and he desperately wanted to call me that.  I had brushed him off, because he didn't FEEL what I felt.  He didn't know.

So the point of this (another huge) blog, was to get my feelings out about all the Wannabe Daddy's out there.  I apologise for all the other Wannabe Mummy's out there for sometimes forgetting that you're in this too.  It takes two to make a baby, and occasionally we are so focused on our own incapabilities that we forget that.

We love you.  We support you.  We are in this together.

If it wasn't for you, I would have the lost the plot a long time ago.  So thank you.

I KNOW I'm not alone.....

So help me out here sisters,

I'm a little bit tipsy, listening to Celine Dion's "A new Day has Come" and I'm feeling a little hopeless.  It's probably a mix of the Bundy Rum and the song, but hear me out.

I'm struggling to fall pregnant.  We've been 'trying' for almost a year, and it's getting to the 'affecting my mental health' and 'affecting my marriage' point.

I've been diagnosed as PCOS (that's Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome for those not in the know) which doesn't seem to make the fact of not falling pregnant 'easily' any better.  Especially when you have friends/sisters who say things like 'I was WAY heavier than you, with PCOS and still fell pregnant'.  I get a little stabby-stabby.

I'm overweight, but not what i'd consider 'holy crap! How are you even walking??' overweight, I drink, not to what i'd consider anymore than my friends, and I've given up smoking in the chance that i'd 'fall'.

But it's not happening.  And it's depressing.  I walk the shopping centres, and I see people fatter than me, smoking, and I think to myself 'oh yeah right, THEY can have kids but not you!'.  I'm a registered nurse - so I see people on my ward EVERY day who are IV drug users, who have so many complicated social situations where children should not be bought into, and they have children and I think 'Oh right, IV drug use, domestic violence, multiple husbands, that's OK, but you - you're fat, you can't have kids'.

I just hate it. And I've been told so many times 'just stop trying and you'll fall'.  I swear to God if I hear that one more time, I will go postal on someone.  Because when you want something more than you've ever wanted something in your entire life, and someone says 'just stop trying' it makes you see red. For real.

I've never gotten anything in my life that I haven't worked for, so I guess I'm not used to being told no.  I was brought up in a 'lower socio-economic' upbringing, where the favorite expression was 'sorry honey, we can't afford it' and that's OK. I learned the value of a dollar, and I've worked, I've worked HARD, for every single thing that I've ever earned, including my 2 degrees.  Including working 3 jobs at one stage, to pay the rent in a city that had the only degree I was working for. So I guess it's hard for me to get that I can't just 'want' to be a mum hard enough that it will happen.

What shits me off the most, is that since I've been so vocal about my trouble, many other people have also indicated that it wasn't 'easy' for them also.

Now, going back a little bit, the reason I 'HAD' to be so vocal, is that being a nurse, I work mostly with females, and once you're married, the typical question is 'so when are you having babies'.  It got to the stage that I was being asked at LEAST once a shift, 'are you pregnant?'.

Now, going off the pill - for the first time in 12 years, AND having (at the time, undiagnosed) PCOS, I put on weight, and put it down to quitting smoking and getting married and yedda yedda yedda.  But when a work mate walked past and rubbed my belly and said 'it's growing' (as in I was pregnant and she knew) - I lost my shit.  Not only because what business is it of anyone if I put on weight, but what right does ANYONE have to ask anyone else if they're pregnant and more importantly who RUBS someone's FUCKING STOMACH when they have no idea!?!?

Having trouble getting pregnant, when someone asked me if I was, and I had my period after waiting the like 8 weeks because of the irregularity due to the PCOS, I was pretty irrational, and it hurt.  So it got to the stage, where it had to be bought up in our team meeting, that it was impolite to ask if people were pregnant on the ward - because there were a couple of people having trouble falling pregnant.  And people got the hint, that I didn't want to be asked, and if they did, I would lose it.

Now, I have conflicted emotions, because I know I'm not the only one in the world that has had trouble falling pregnant, and I know that there are more serious issues out there in the world.  I have a pretty nice life now.  I mean I have a HECS debt that I would probably not pay off until my 60s.  I don't own a house.  I have credit card debt and 2 personal loans.  But I'm not on a Government pension, I have enough money to go on holidays and I am by no means below the poverty line - anymore.  I have what a lot of people would envy.

But I envy. And I know I'm not the only one.  I envy those people who 'complain' about their kids.  My best friend is pregnant, and has hyper-emesis. She's had 21 weeks of hell. She's had to stop work, because she couldn't stand up more than 20 minutes without being sick.  And I would swap places with her in an instant.  I would gladly give up work, and spew my ass out for 40 weeks, if at the end of it, I got a baby.

So the point of this (super long! I'm sorry) blog, is that I wanted to reach out to other people that are in the same situation as me. I wanted to let people know, that I feel like a failure as a woman and if there's anyone else out there that feels the same, you are not alone.  I want you to know that although we cannot sniff a bacardi breezer and get pregnant like EVERYONE ELSE (tongue in cheek don't hate me) seems to do, you are not a failure. You are amazing. And you have more to give in life than procreate.  Just like me.  Right?