Not sure what is worse....

So, um, the fertility treatment worked. Yep. I'm pregnant. I have spent the last 22 days since the positive pregnancy test waiting to miscarry, but it hasn't happened yet. Praise Bacon! We went for our first scan yesterday and I saw the tiniest little heart beating of the thing growing inside of me and I felt.... well.... sick.

Mostly because that's how I've felt for the last 3 weeks. Violently ill. I don't feel pregnant, I feel like my boobs are going to explode at the same time my stomach does.

And anxious. Oh the anxiety. I know i'm not the only person who has miscarried in the world, so I'm putting it out the to the universe, if you are one of the lucky ones who miscarried and then went on to a healthy pregnancy, hit me up. Tell me how you coped, because the next 7.5 months are looking mighty long when all I can see is waiting for the cramps and baby dying thing to happen.

I don't know what was worse - the waiting for a positive pregnancy test, or the complete guilt every time I do anything at all. I vomit salad, I keep chips & gravy down. I feel guilty for not eating well. I had some post mix coke to try and quell the nausea, caffeine. I felt guilty. I lifted something at work. Guilt. I'm even working at all. Maximus Guiltimus! Every single thing I do, I'm wondering if I just killed the baby.

I'm getting the feeling though, that this is it. Like literally this will be my life from now on.

The guilt and anxiety never go away do they? I have a sneaky suspicion that once the kid is born (fingers, toes, eyes and legs crossed it IS born) it will in fact, get worse. That every single thing I say to this kid will potentially screw them up and that in 19 years I'll be sitting watching the news and my kid will come on surrounded by a SWAT team. That the thing that I just fed them that wasn't wholefood organic with a side of anti-oxidants, well that just gave them diabetes.  That because I had to go back to work to financially give them a life, the emotional scarring means they will never recover and spend a lifetime alone, smearing lipstick on their face screaming "do you love me NOW MUMMY?"

Seriously, what the hell is this? Is it hormones? It is the maternal instinct everyone talks about? Or has the lack of sleep and absorbed nutrients finally eroded my brain to the point that my level of logic has disintegrated?

Cheers,
Qld Nurse.

Life throws you curveballs. Those balls suck ass.

So it's been a while since I've blogged.  Because I miscarried. On the 5th week and 4th day I woke up nauseous, with cramps and bleeding.  One day, after a positive pregnancy test and the whole life being planned of the baby we've so badly wanted.  About a week and a half before the pregnancy test I "knew" though. So let's go with one week and a few days of planning a baby's life before nausea/cramps/bleeding/baby dying etc.

I've just logged in, and half a finished blog about how excited I was to be pregnant was waiting for approval.  What's that guts? You needed another kick? Of course you did.

I'm sad. Like ridiculously sad. I keep it together the majority of the time, but there's just some times (like now) that I can't keep it in. Mostly because it's 330am I can't call anyone so I'm here blogging. Because sane that's why. So shut up.

Not dealing. No idea how to deal. Sick of getting told 'well at least you know you can pregnant'. Well great then! Hopefully I can lose like another 3 pregnancies just to make sure 'at least I can pregnant'. Hash tag fucking sarcasm.

So life sucks right now. And my husband tries his best to 'be there' and 'support me' and all the other inverted commas shit you can think of.  In his defence, he's tried his hardest but he doesn't get it. He probably never will. Mentally, I got it. Emotionally, weeeeellll.....

A week after I lost the baby he was all 'well let's go again'.  In all honesty I wanted to punch his fucking head in.  Because hormones and anger and grief get the better of me like 50% of the time and it mostly comes out as anger or tears. Neither of which my husband is greatly equipped to deal with.

I feel responsible, I feel like a failure (once again, get over it already right?) and I feel like I have let every single person in our life down.

So that's my last 4 weeks summed up. You caught up?  If not, here's a summary:

Ocsober - feeling great

Baby death

Anger

Anger

Drunk

Anger/Resentment

Drunk Anger

Drunk crying

Drunk sad

Anger

Sad

Sad

Anger

Drunk/Resentment

Drunk Happy LOL Jokes, drunk Angry all the time

Drunk

Angry/Drunk/Crying ALL THE EMOTIONS

Fabulous month. Oh by the way 2013, you can lick my balls, hope your 2013 boyfriend dumps you and then you can lick my balls again.

Have a great weekend kids!!