Pregnant Woman Rant ahead

Seriously, language and hormone induced anger warning.  Look away. I said LOOK AWAY!

I am currently 12 weeks pregnant after undergoing some fertility treatment. Yay! I am having quite bad all day sickness because whoever called it morning sickness was probably a MAN who only ever saw his barefoot pregnant wife in the morning before he left to have AFFAIRS with his WHORE I'm sorry please don't leave me alone I love you!

Despite the fact I may scream "WHAT DO YOU FUCKING WANT FROM ME BABY?" through a stream of snot and spit while hunched over Percy the Porcelain, I am quite ecstatic to be pregnant.  Even more ecstatic that we have gotten to the infamous 12 week period and I was able to see a head (only one, phew!) and a heartbeat on the scan this morning.  I'm also aware of why I'm so sick because baby decided not to sit still for one second.  There was no photographic evidence but I'm pretty sure it's because she was swinging on my intestines. Also, I know it's a girl because it just is, and don't argue with me because I'm pretty sure I could stab you and get away with it on the hormone defence OKAY?

So I thought I'd spout some gems of wisdom that I have learned in my 12 weeks of being pregnant. i.e. I will rant about things that piss me off because hormones and hunger and constipation.  Right.

1.  Everything is a competition

EVERYTHING. Either people brag about how much sicker they were than me, or they brag about how little they had. Then they brag about their natural, drug free labour or they brag about how horrible their labour was and how super humanly they were somehow able to survive it and I should worship their every word on pregnancy.  They brag about how little weight they put on, or how much they put on and how hard they worked to lose it. Seriously, I don't care. Every pregnancy, every baby and every labour is different and when you asked me how I was I genuinely thought you wanted to know. If I'd been aware that it was just a way for you to bridge into your life story I would have just answered with 'fine thanks'. I apologise. Also, you are not the first or last person to have a baby and whatever you've done is not special - look at the internet and see the millions of others that have also done whatever you've done. So take your vegan, organic, yoga, home birth story and shove it up stage 4 torn ass. I don't want to hear it right now. Thanks.

2.  People who don't immunise their children should be placed on notice of having their children removed

Because they are obviously too stupid to raise them properly.  I haven't even had this child yet, and I am harassing every family member to make sure they are up to date on the whooping cough, flu and measles vaccine at the very least.  Vaccines don't cause autism, they don't cause birth defects, they cause children to NOT DIE FROM PREVENTABLE DISEASE. Fair enough, if your child has a severe allergy & you have it under great medical advice that it's not appropriate for your child to be vaccinated, great. But you should  make DAMN sure everyone else around your un-vaccinated child is done. In this day & age, I refuse to enter into an arguement on why you shouldn't vaccinate your kids, because as Mark Twain said 'never argue with idiots because they'll drag you down to their level & then beat you with experience.'  I do not understand parents who don't want to do absolutely everything in the power to prevent their kids from suffering and dying. If you give my child a disease because they're too young & you're too stupid, I will do a Liam Neeson on your ass. I promise. #vaccinateyourkidsstupid

3.  There's so much wrong with the world

It's depressing. Inconsiderate, rude, ignorant dicks who seem to be breeding at a phenomenal amount, with their stinky offspring just waiting to taint my precious future ruler of the world with their bigotry & bullshit. The worry about whether my child is going to grow up to be a serial killer is always there in the back of my mind and the fact that they will be socialising with children who RUN IN FUCKING SHOPPING CENTRES does nothing to quell said fear. The world is going to hell in a hand basket kids.  Bacon help us all. But more importantly Bacon help your kid if it so much as whispers a bad influence into my child's ear. Because I will be an absolutely amazing parent who raises the best child who does nothing wrong and that's my story and I'm sticking to it and if you tell me anything different I will cry so shut up!

4. Everyone's a fucking expert

Do you know how many articles are out there pretty much outlining that I am going to kill/damage/disable/severely fuck up my baby? I read an article telling pregnant women not to have Paracetamol. Panadol FFS. Because it causes autism. Are you fucking kidding me? Like we don't have enough guilt as mothers, then there's these arseholes out there making us feel guilty for not 'soldiering through' a headache. Oh and ultrasounds, as well as C-sections! Oh an make sure you limit X, Y, fucking Z because it causes X, Y, fucking Z. Well you know what? Fuck that. If this fertility struggle has taught me anything, it's that I have limited control over the baby situation. I can eat as healthily, exercise, avoid teratogens, whatever and it will still have limited impact on what is a process we don't fully understand because the baby gods will do what the baby gods will do. And that's coming from someone in the health field! Unless you have some scientific evidence in the form of millions of double blind trials and the recommendation of the world's experts, then keep your opinions (and that's only what they are without evidence) to yourself. I already feel guilty enough about EVERYTHING so take your judgement and jam it up your clacker bitch.

So that's my pregnant lady rant. I do not guarantee there won't be more to come. Please feel free to add your rants into the comments section. I will most likely virtually high five you, because that's the mood I'm in right now. I may cry about it tomorrow. Who knows! My poor husband is playing emotional bingo lately, but I think he likes it. Keeps him on his toes, no?

Cheers,
Qld Nurse.

Not sure what is worse....

So, um, the fertility treatment worked. Yep. I'm pregnant. I have spent the last 22 days since the positive pregnancy test waiting to miscarry, but it hasn't happened yet. Praise Bacon! We went for our first scan yesterday and I saw the tiniest little heart beating of the thing growing inside of me and I felt.... well.... sick.

Mostly because that's how I've felt for the last 3 weeks. Violently ill. I don't feel pregnant, I feel like my boobs are going to explode at the same time my stomach does.

And anxious. Oh the anxiety. I know i'm not the only person who has miscarried in the world, so I'm putting it out the to the universe, if you are one of the lucky ones who miscarried and then went on to a healthy pregnancy, hit me up. Tell me how you coped, because the next 7.5 months are looking mighty long when all I can see is waiting for the cramps and baby dying thing to happen.

I don't know what was worse - the waiting for a positive pregnancy test, or the complete guilt every time I do anything at all. I vomit salad, I keep chips & gravy down. I feel guilty for not eating well. I had some post mix coke to try and quell the nausea, caffeine. I felt guilty. I lifted something at work. Guilt. I'm even working at all. Maximus Guiltimus! Every single thing I do, I'm wondering if I just killed the baby.

I'm getting the feeling though, that this is it. Like literally this will be my life from now on.

The guilt and anxiety never go away do they? I have a sneaky suspicion that once the kid is born (fingers, toes, eyes and legs crossed it IS born) it will in fact, get worse. That every single thing I say to this kid will potentially screw them up and that in 19 years I'll be sitting watching the news and my kid will come on surrounded by a SWAT team. That the thing that I just fed them that wasn't wholefood organic with a side of anti-oxidants, well that just gave them diabetes.  That because I had to go back to work to financially give them a life, the emotional scarring means they will never recover and spend a lifetime alone, smearing lipstick on their face screaming "do you love me NOW MUMMY?"

Seriously, what the hell is this? Is it hormones? It is the maternal instinct everyone talks about? Or has the lack of sleep and absorbed nutrients finally eroded my brain to the point that my level of logic has disintegrated?

Cheers,
Qld Nurse.

Life throws you curveballs. Those balls suck ass.

So it's been a while since I've blogged.  Because I miscarried. On the 5th week and 4th day I woke up nauseous, with cramps and bleeding.  One day, after a positive pregnancy test and the whole life being planned of the baby we've so badly wanted.  About a week and a half before the pregnancy test I "knew" though. So let's go with one week and a few days of planning a baby's life before nausea/cramps/bleeding/baby dying etc.

I've just logged in, and half a finished blog about how excited I was to be pregnant was waiting for approval.  What's that guts? You needed another kick? Of course you did.

I'm sad. Like ridiculously sad. I keep it together the majority of the time, but there's just some times (like now) that I can't keep it in. Mostly because it's 330am I can't call anyone so I'm here blogging. Because sane that's why. So shut up.

Not dealing. No idea how to deal. Sick of getting told 'well at least you know you can pregnant'. Well great then! Hopefully I can lose like another 3 pregnancies just to make sure 'at least I can pregnant'. Hash tag fucking sarcasm.

So life sucks right now. And my husband tries his best to 'be there' and 'support me' and all the other inverted commas shit you can think of.  In his defence, he's tried his hardest but he doesn't get it. He probably never will. Mentally, I got it. Emotionally, weeeeellll.....

A week after I lost the baby he was all 'well let's go again'.  In all honesty I wanted to punch his fucking head in.  Because hormones and anger and grief get the better of me like 50% of the time and it mostly comes out as anger or tears. Neither of which my husband is greatly equipped to deal with.

I feel responsible, I feel like a failure (once again, get over it already right?) and I feel like I have let every single person in our life down.

So that's my last 4 weeks summed up. You caught up?  If not, here's a summary:

Ocsober - feeling great

Baby death

Anger

Anger

Drunk

Anger/Resentment

Drunk Anger

Drunk crying

Drunk sad

Anger

Sad

Sad

Anger

Drunk/Resentment

Drunk Happy LOL Jokes, drunk Angry all the time

Drunk

Angry/Drunk/Crying ALL THE EMOTIONS

Fabulous month. Oh by the way 2013, you can lick my balls, hope your 2013 boyfriend dumps you and then you can lick my balls again.

Have a great weekend kids!!

OcSober half way, Acupuncture & night shift. Golden combination....

So I'm halfway through OcSober! Yay! I've just finished a string of night shifts so I would gladly beat someone senseless for a Bundy right now and the fact there is only 14 more days until I can have one is doing nothing to quell my thirst.  My sister said to the me the other day 'with your luck, you'll find out you're pregnant on October 31 and won't be able to drink anyway!'.  Thanks, jinx! (But secretly wishing it would come true.)

OcSober has done nothing for my health despite taking liver detox tablets everyday and actually being pretty good with the diet thing.  Not so much with the exercise thing, but weight loss is 80% diet, 20% exercise anyway right?  Or in my case, 60% hormones, 30% diet, 10% exercise - that's my story and I'm sticking to it! Remember, i'm just off night shift so I will hurt you.....  I have gained weight, I'm still not sleeping any better and it's not getting any easier.  Cry me a river right?

Soooooo because the alcohol thing is a crock of shit, I decided to try some 'Fertility Acupuncture' today.  It was quite an odd experience, the chap comes highly recommended and I've never meditated before, but I had an 'experience' which made me feel more at peace and hopeful than I have in quite a while.  He also gave me some herbs to try, and at this point I'm willing to pretty much give anything a go.  I left feeling not better, but different. I'm choosing to see it in the positive.

Acupuncture was decided after reading a book called "Bump & Grind - The A to Z survival guide for when you're trying to get pregnant and sick of being told to relax" by Genevieve Morton.  If you are struggling to conceive, and you haven't read this book already, do it.  Seriously, here's the link.  http://www.amazon.co.uk/Bump-Grind-Z-Survival-Pregnant/dp/1905410883
This book was written TO me. TO ME guys. It was like she had gotten inside my head and was writing to let me know that everything I'm going through is completely the same as others who are also struggling to fall pregnant. I mean I always knew I wasn't alone. But now I KNOW.  I can't explain it.  Validation is a powerful tool I guess.

On the flip side, it also made me realise that maybe i'm not actually doing enough, and made me hell nervous for our specialist appointment next month.  For example, I haven't once taken my temperature.  A) because I don't own a thermometer but B) because seriously you have to take your temperature? WTF? I don't religiously piss on ovulation tests.  Mostly because my cycles are so irregular that it would cost me hundreds of dollars a month (or three) in tests because i'd have to test pretty much every day, for sometimes up to 10 weeks.  I also don't have our diet religiously planned out to ensure that i'm having fucking quinoa or some shit because it increases the likelihood of the production of blah blah blah.  I just figured, up the vegies, down the processed crap, watch the portion size = happy days.

But most importantly, this is the first actual book I've read on the subject. Don't get me wrong, I've seen enough web pages on PCOS and trying to conceive and blogs, that this blog should probably be a lot better than it is, but I've never actually read a book.  The picture she paints in this book is that I'm supposed to have a library of books, categorised by colour and number of tips and my genitals should have friction burn from having sex twice a day for the past year.

The feeling - inadequate. I've felt inadequate as a woman for a while now because I can't conceive, but now I also feel inadequate to be able to bitch and whinge about it too!  Like I haven't tried hard enough because I haven't gone gluten, dairy, carb, sugar, caffeine, and sanity free whilst also checking my cervical mucus 3 times a day and charting my temperature whilst exercising for 2 hours a day.  *sigh*

I can't win. I think I think too much, and my acupuncture today pretty much (in my head where I was thinking) confirmed this.  The needle that hurt the most and didn't seem to ever 'fade'? The one smack bang in the middle of my forehead.  Sign?

Anyway guys I've got to go and buy another 10 books to read asI molest my husband whilst cooking some berry oats.

HOPE!

Hope.  Is there a greater word? I think not.  It gives you images of green grass, and children playing with bunnies and old people playing cards around a table laughing, and laughing and laughing.

I have an appointment with a fertility specialist.  Originally, thought I would have to wait 3 months.  Although it may not seem like much, after 12 months of disappointment, 3 months is a lifetime.  But it's only going to be about 6 weeks and it makes my heart sing.

So the catalyst, was after 9.5 weeks, 2 weeks of aching boobs, countless times of nausea and the 'feeling' that this was it, I got my period.  Yes, my poor husband did come out into the lounge at 3am to find me wasted and crying uncontrollably listening to Celine Dion (why Celine, why??) and I figured that I couldn't do this again so I made a Drs appointment.

So we have an appointment.  I feel sick.  I'm so nervous about finally getting some answers, but what if it's bad news? What if he tells me that my worst thoughts are true and I can't have kids?  Or what if he tells me what my Dr has told me all along and that it's just because I'm too fat?  I know it's stupid, but I have this deep down feeling that all those mean kids throughout my life were completely right and I'm just a worthless fatty.

What if it works though, and like my friend at work,within 2 months of treatment I'm pregnant with a child?  Like, a real human baby.  That I will have to mould into a human being.  Am I ready?  Are WE ready?  What sort of Mum will I be?  Can I handle it?  Can we afford it?  Will I be one of those people that uploads photos to FB every time their kid takes a dump?  Will I spoil them?  Will I be too hard on them and they grow up to be a serial killer???

My boss told me a couple of weeks ago that I was 'born to be a Mum'.  I was so proud.  But how do you tell if someone's 'meant to be a Mum'.  Do I have a vibe?  Or is it just the fact that I take the student nurses under my wing instead of throwing them to the wolves like I had done to me?  Do I give off a Mummy vibe?

The thing that sticks in my mind the most - is that there are people with REAL problems in the world.  There are people literally dying to get out of their countries, jumping on unsafe boats for the hope of a better life.  There are people living in tents in war torn countries, daily wondering if this day is their last.  But here I am bitching about not being able to fall pregnant at the drop of a West Coast Cooler.  I feel so selfish but I can't stop thinking about it.  It literally controls just about every thought I have during the day.

My best friend is pregnant.  She had hyperemesis for the first 3.5 months of her pregnancy and felt like shit.  She would tell me about how she was 'forced' to go on 2 weeks leave by her boss (she's also a nurse) and that being pregnant was the worst thing she ever did in her life.  I envied her so hard.  I would gladly give up every worldly possession I own and give up work for the chance of a baby.  But that makes me selfish right?  Should someone that selfish be having a child? Will I be able to give up the things I like for a baby? Will my husband and I kill each other from sleep deprivation?

Boils down to 'hope' right?  What do we have if we don't have hope?  Should I hope to have a long career, or good health instead of hoping to fall pregnant?  Should I hope to be able to live comfortably and go on long holidays?

Or should I hope that I continue to have a partner, who loves me so hard for who I am regardless of the challenges we are faced with and if a baby comes along then so be it?

I think I'll hope, that the next time he comes out at 3am and I'm crying uncontrollably, it's when I have a newborn in my arms, my nipples are raw and bleeding, I'm so sleep deprived I could probably get away with murder, and it's because I'm so unbelievably happy that there's no other way to express it but crying uncontrollably.

De ja vu

So I'm "due" tomorrow. For my Aunt Flo I mean, not a baby.

I peed on ANOTHER negative stick.  I think it's about the 6th for this month.  Because I've been nauseous for the last week, I was holding out great hopes.  But no.

The thing is, I started Metformin 6 weeks ago.  And according to my "Fertility Tracker" app, my 'aunt flo' last month came when she was scheduled. And it was the first time since we've started trying that I was actually happy to get my period. Because it was when it was supposed to be. And that meant, I might be regulating. And that meant that this month was 'the month' because when the app said I should be ovulating, I should be right?  The Metformin was working right?  Although I've felt like crap, and have had a couple of hyPOglycaemic events and had some major GI upsets, it's working right?  Especially since my beautiful, forever optimistic Dr had said "she had a woman in similar circumstances and she's just fallen pregnant" it meant I would too right?  Well wrong.

So you know what I did when that dreaded one line only came up?  I got drunk.  Even though, in my head, I'm still holding out the slightest of slightest hopes that all the people that have said "You know little James didn't show up on a stick until I was 8 weeks" and "those tests aren't 100% accurate" - I hope that they're right. But I KNOW that in a day or two, when I get my period, when I'm 'due' I'm going to burst into tears and be devastated, and holding out hope will only make that worse.

I know the nausea I've been experiencing, I've been experiencing ever since I started taking Metformin.  But this is different right?  It was totally morning sickness.  Even though I had absolutely NO other symptoms of pregnancy, it was totally morning sickness. TOTALLY.

The thing I forget? My husband.

Because the thing is, it's Father's Day here in a few days.  And I know, it's going to devastate him as much as Mother's Day devastated me. The Facebook feed of all the happy Mums with their presents and their burnt toast breakfast in bed.  And somehow I think his pain, is less than mine. Why? Because it's my pain and I'm a woman. And that's worse than his right?

He'll never know how it feels to have a life inside him. His sperm count was fine, so it means that I'm the problem.  I'm the failure in this baby-making relationship.  He has no idea.

But he does.  It hurts him.  And sometimes I'm so caught up in my own self pity and depression, that I forget that this affects him too.  He's ready to be a Dad.  He came home from work the other day in tears, because I'd greeted my pregnant best friend with 'Hey Mumma!' and he desperately wanted to call me that.  I had brushed him off, because he didn't FEEL what I felt.  He didn't know.

So the point of this (another huge) blog, was to get my feelings out about all the Wannabe Daddy's out there.  I apologise for all the other Wannabe Mummy's out there for sometimes forgetting that you're in this too.  It takes two to make a baby, and occasionally we are so focused on our own incapabilities that we forget that.

We love you.  We support you.  We are in this together.

If it wasn't for you, I would have the lost the plot a long time ago.  So thank you.