Hope. Is there a greater word? I think not. It gives you images of green grass, and children playing with bunnies and old people playing cards around a table laughing, and laughing and laughing.
I have an appointment with a fertility specialist. Originally, thought I would have to wait 3 months. Although it may not seem like much, after 12 months of disappointment, 3 months is a lifetime. But it's only going to be about 6 weeks and it makes my heart sing.
So the catalyst, was after 9.5 weeks, 2 weeks of aching boobs, countless times of nausea and the 'feeling' that this was it, I got my period. Yes, my poor husband did come out into the lounge at 3am to find me wasted and crying uncontrollably listening to Celine Dion (why Celine, why??) and I figured that I couldn't do this again so I made a Drs appointment.
So we have an appointment. I feel sick. I'm so nervous about finally getting some answers, but what if it's bad news? What if he tells me that my worst thoughts are true and I can't have kids? Or what if he tells me what my Dr has told me all along and that it's just because I'm too fat? I know it's stupid, but I have this deep down feeling that all those mean kids throughout my life were completely right and I'm just a worthless fatty.
What if it works though, and like my friend at work,within 2 months of treatment I'm pregnant with a child? Like, a real human baby. That I will have to mould into a human being. Am I ready? Are WE ready? What sort of Mum will I be? Can I handle it? Can we afford it? Will I be one of those people that uploads photos to FB every time their kid takes a dump? Will I spoil them? Will I be too hard on them and they grow up to be a serial killer???
My boss told me a couple of weeks ago that I was 'born to be a Mum'. I was so proud. But how do you tell if someone's 'meant to be a Mum'. Do I have a vibe? Or is it just the fact that I take the student nurses under my wing instead of throwing them to the wolves like I had done to me? Do I give off a Mummy vibe?
The thing that sticks in my mind the most - is that there are people with REAL problems in the world. There are people literally dying to get out of their countries, jumping on unsafe boats for the hope of a better life. There are people living in tents in war torn countries, daily wondering if this day is their last. But here I am bitching about not being able to fall pregnant at the drop of a West Coast Cooler. I feel so selfish but I can't stop thinking about it. It literally controls just about every thought I have during the day.
My best friend is pregnant. She had hyperemesis for the first 3.5 months of her pregnancy and felt like shit. She would tell me about how she was 'forced' to go on 2 weeks leave by her boss (she's also a nurse) and that being pregnant was the worst thing she ever did in her life. I envied her so hard. I would gladly give up every worldly possession I own and give up work for the chance of a baby. But that makes me selfish right? Should someone that selfish be having a child? Will I be able to give up the things I like for a baby? Will my husband and I kill each other from sleep deprivation?
Boils down to 'hope' right? What do we have if we don't have hope? Should I hope to have a long career, or good health instead of hoping to fall pregnant? Should I hope to be able to live comfortably and go on long holidays?
Or should I hope that I continue to have a partner, who loves me so hard for who I am regardless of the challenges we are faced with and if a baby comes along then so be it?
I think I'll hope, that the next time he comes out at 3am and I'm crying uncontrollably, it's when I have a newborn in my arms, my nipples are raw and bleeding, I'm so sleep deprived I could probably get away with murder, and it's because I'm so unbelievably happy that there's no other way to express it but crying uncontrollably.
