Why Nursing prepared me for Nappies & vice-versa

So there's only a few more months until I return to work, and I'm freaking out a little. I will have had almost a whole year off actual Registered Nursing (not breastfeeding nursing just FYI sanctimonious mummies and who gives a fuck anyway thank you very much) and it got me thinking "wholly heck! I can't look after another person!" And then I had a 'duh' moment and got to thinking about how Nursing and Mummy-ing are similar in a lot of ways.

1. You are constantly covered in someone else's body fluids

Be it spit, vomit or the cliche 'code brown', Nurses and Mums are used to being covered in fluid that they didn't produce themselves. You just kinda wipe it off and get on with the job. Funny story - every nurse has their 'thing'. The thing they can't handle & will gag at, for example phlegm, runny shit etc. Mine was breastmilk. Well guess what haters? I'm unstoppable now!!

2. You have to put your own needs second to those of the tiny human/big human in your care

Oh you're hungry? Well guess what Nurse/Mum? No one cares. Your patient doesn't care. The tiny dictator living in your house doesn't care.  You can try and have some lunch when you think it's an acceptable hour to have it, but then the tiny dictator/patient will code brown/just code and you will end up having lunch at 3pm and by then you won't be hungry anymore so you'll just have 4 Scotch fingers and a coffee and wonder why you're fat.

3. Along with No. 2, sleep is something you vaguely remember from 'back in the day'

E.g. Before you were a student nurse, before you started shift work, before you had a child. Sleep is non-existent when you're a Nurse and/or Mum. You learn to function on a few broken hours. You're not sure how you do it, but you do. On the rare occasion you get 8 hours straight sleep, you actually wake up feeling worse because your body isn't used to resting to it's potential and you wake up wondering what year it is.

4. You have to have an enormous bladder & pelvic floors like a baws

Self explanatory no? The moment you need to pee, will be the moment your baby wakes up and needs a feed/play/rock to sleep/nappy change/your soul. The moment you need to pee, will be the moment you have to hang 5 IV's/do obs/wash your patient/do your notes. They don't call it 'nurses bladder' for nothing. Also, the more you hold pee, the better your pelvic floor muscles. Everyone knows that after a baby, those little suckers weaken. Nurses, have AMAZING pf muscles. Suck it child birth. You ain't got nothing.

5. Emotions run high - control that shit

Baby crying non-stop? Control yourself. Patient dying? Check your emotions. I am like the master of self control now. Nemaste motherfuckers. There have been many, MANY times when I have felt like throwing that bag of wipes across the room, flipping the change table and walking out of my life. The same with nursing. Emotions run high. You gotta control that shit! That patient that says they have 10/10 pain while they're laughing on the phone to their friend and eating a bag of chips - you can't slap them! Same as a kid that is pushing your buttons and makes you wonder why you did this in the first place. Violence is a no-go my friend. Nursing/having children makes you patient as a saint. Or at least knowledgeable in the places you can go and cry silently without anyone noticing.

6. You have control over someone's life

Whether a little person or a big person, their life is pretty much in your hands. They trust you to do what's best for them. They have complete faith that you will make the right decision. Whether it's making sure they get the right drugs, to whether they have complete faith that you will look after their every need. When you stop & think about that, it's terrifying. That's why you should not think about it. I said don't think about it! STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!!!

7. You wouldn't change it even if you had the chance

The possibility of an admin job came up for me. I literally shuddered. The same as being a parent. You just ARE a Mum. You just ARE a Nurse. The thought of being anything else kinda makes your soul hurt a little. Even though you hate it sometimes, even though you wish you could change it sometimes, even though the thought of waking up to another day of patient/baby makes you die a little inside sometimes, you wouldn't change it for the world. The thought of NOT being a Mum/Nurse makes you change your perception of yourself. It's just who you are and that's that. It doesn't make you better than anyone. Except it kind of does. Nurses are awesome. Mums are awesome. So, I hate to say it, but Mums who are also Nurses, are kind of like super stars. Sweaty, poo covered, exhausted, cranky super stars.

Cheers,
Qld Nurse.

#VaccinateYourKidsStupid

I have spent tonight arguing with dickheads on the internet about vaccinations. And you know what? I'm fucking furious. I'm ropeable. I can't sleep thinking about how I'd like to herd these people up and expose them to all the preventable diseases they believe they don't need to be vaccinated against just to see how they'd fare.

Because I have a baby. And I have a brain. And to me, those two things should be synonymous. But apparently they're not.

In the news recently, a 32 day old baby died from pertussis, or whooping cough as it's more commonly known. I can't even imagine the heartbreak those parents must be feeling. A 32 day old baby isn't old enough to be vaccinated. A 32 day old baby doesn't have the immune system required to fight off an infection. A 32 day old baby relies on the common sense of adults around them to get a jab in the arm that will greatly reduce the likelihood of contracting whooping cough. And I can tell you now, that if my baby died from someone who refused to get vaccinated, I would cut a bitch. Not metaphorically. Not jokingly. I would literally. CUT. A. BITCH.

If a child gave that baby the infection, I don't blame the child. I blame the parents. As a child, you don't have the option of requesting that you be vaccinated. You rely on the adults in your life having the common sense to vaccinate you. So I blame the adults in that child's life. The unbelievably uninformed, should not have been able to procreate adults.

I blame the stupid, non-informed, blog following, internet diagnosing fucking idiots who would disbelieve 99% of medical professionals and go ahead and NOT vaccinate their child because AUTISM. I had some waste of jizz tell me tonight that 'most medical professionals don't even read a medication insert'. For realsie dickhead? MOST medical professionals that I know, and you know, BEING a medical professional I sometime hang around medical professionals, well us medical professionals have to look up ALL the side effects of EVERY medication we give to ANYONE. In the case of a child that shit is doubled. Another nominee for the Darwin Awards told me that 'big pharma' create the illness to create the vaccine for money. Vaccinations for kids are free. You fucking genius. Seriously. Do these people have to remind themselves to breathe? How have they survived this long without licking a power socket??

Yeah, you know what? Some kids have a reaction to vaccinations. And that's really really really sad. Is it as sad as a kid dying from some vegan, organic eating, mummy blogging hippy who read that gluten & vaccinations cause autism so they opted not to vaccinate and then contracted measles but they were ok however the kid too young to get vaccinated died from hydrocephalus? No. No it's not. Some kids CAN'T get vaccinated. And that USED to be ok, because herd immunity existed. Herd immunity no longer exists because fucking playboy bunnies & movie stars decided to do a Google search to blame something for the fact their kids didn't turn out the way they expected.

You know what blaming autism on vaccinations does? It makes the mums with autistic vaccinated kids feel like shit. Because if you have a kid that doesn't 'fit the mould' you already go through every possible fucking explanation as to why that is. Maybe I ate too much sugar in pregnancy? Maybe that paracetamol really did affect them? Maybe it IS vaccinations! You know what really sucks?? You're autistic kid being ventilated in ICU because you didn't vaccinate them because AUTISM. Would you rather a dead kid than an autistic one? Would you rather a child that doesn't know who you are because they have permanent brain damage from contracting measles?

http://howdovaccinescauseautism.com/

Look that site up. And every time an anti-vaxxer Googles some meme that shows a kid crying with a huge needle, send them that link. BECAUSE GOOGLE IS REAL YOU GUYS!

Study after scientific study has shown that vaccinations are safe. Do some people have side effects? Yep. Do some people have side effects from drinking milk? Yep. Should we ban milk? Do some people have side effects from having peanuts? Yep. Let's ban peanuts everywhere then! I have a physical reaction to stupidity so does that mean I can stop stupid people by any means necessary?? Oh please say yes....

I firmly believe in the no jab no play policies being implemented. If you don't want to vaccinate your kid, then you know what? Keep them home with you, home school them, feed them from your own veggie garden and cow paddock, with home slaughtered chicken or whatever. Don't EVER take them to the hospital if they're sick, because those doctors are just trying to make money off you. Because you know what makes REAL money? The thousands and thousands of dollars of medicine that needs to be pumped into your kid when they contract measles, or whooping cough, or Hep B. And if you think Hep B is a STI you're an idiot and you deserve to die from Hep B. Seriously.

I honestly cannot believe the stupidity and hypocrisy of the anti-vaxxers on the internet. I cannot believe that most of these people class themselves as highly educated. I cannot believe that these people are running around without their tin foil hats on.

If you believe 'big pharma' are making money off vaccines, does your naturopath give you 'natural immune boosting herbs' for free? Does your 'organic' lifestyle come without a price tag?

No. #VACCINATEYOURKIDSSTUPID

Or die at an early age so the smart people can live longer. Kthanksbai.

Cheers,
Qld Nurse.

Parents everywhere, I'm sorry I was a bitch.

Dear parents everywhere,

I'm sorry I judged you. I'm sorry as a non-parent I thought I knew more about parenting your child than you did. I'm sorry I glared at you disapprovingly and bitched behind your back, when I should have been offering you a foot rub and carrying your groceries for you.

As a fairly new parent myself, I've had some time to reevaluate my stance on a lot of things I was pretty sure I was an expert on. These things I will never, EVER judge another parent for doing, EVER AGAIN.

Their screaming child

In a plane, in the supermarket, in the restaurant, fuck any public place in the world. I will now, simply give them a knowing 'I've been there' smile and offer to pay for the bottle of vodka I recommend they buy. When we bought my bub home, he screamed. All. The. Time. I was basically a hermit for the first 3 months we had him home due to the fear of death glares I would receive when we went anywhere where the noise level was less than 3,000 decibels. Now, I don't give a fuck. He's a baby and he'll scream if he wants to. Don't get me wrong, I try and stop the screeching but let me give the non-parents a heads up. The sound of a baby crying to YOU is annoying. Possibly mildly headache inducing. I know, I've been you. But to the parent, it is SOUL DESTROYING. Especially if they have tried everything they have in their parent repertoire and it's not working. So take whatever feelings you have, multiply them by 10, and shove that look fair up your arse. I take back every time I did it, because trust me, karma was in fact a bitch.

Feeding your child shit food

My bub is below the 3rd percentile in weight. He was born this way as he was growth restricted in-utero and has followed the line so far. He's healthy, but the fact that he is little plays on my mind constantly. His weight is in the forefront of my brain the majority of the time. He has started solids, and it's a mission trying to get the food down him. Before this, and still now, trying to get him to take a bottle was/is a mission where basically an hour or two was spent being covered in milk/formula and ended in us both in tears. The boob was even worse. It got to the stage where I would have gladly fed him strawberry milk if it meant that he drank it and put on weight like he was supposed to. It's a fight. Every. Single. Fucking. Time. And the constant worry about whether he's getting enough nutrition is quite literally making my hair fall out. So if feeding your child Maccas once a week means your resting heart rate is actually within normal range for once, you go on with your bad self mumma. No judgement here. Well, no judgement anymore.

Not looking like a supermodel or 'letting yourself go' as it's so fondly referred to

My elbow at the present moment is so dry it hurts. Mostly due to the fact that moisturising is number 723 on my list of priorities right now. Make up? You're lucky if I brush my hair before leaving the house most of the time. In fact I only washed it today because I couldn't remember the last time I had.  I know, I know, how does my husband control himself right? I used to think 'gosh when I have kids I'll make sure I still look presentable, how embarrassing for that women with eyebrows like caterpillars'. As a mum now, showering is a luxury & not necessarily a priority. I'm so tired that my eyes are blurry 75% of the time, so sometimes I don't notice that bit of throw up on my shoulder until I'm out in the blaring, non-forgiving light of day. And you know what? It took me 25 minutes to get out of the house in the first place, so you can bet your left nut I'm not going home now to change for a little bit of spit up. Deal with it. If you don't like what you see, don't look. I'm not here for your visual pleasure cockhead. And by cockhead I am of course referring to my pre-child self.

Being late & only being available at certain times

Time has only just recently started to exist for me again, and even then it's only in the form of baby asleep & baby awake times which generally fall in 45 minute blocks. I can start preparing to go out an hour and a half before I'm supposed to be there but you can guarantee that 15 minutes before I'm due to walk out the door, a pooslosion or a vomit the size of a grown drunk man will occur and I will still be 15 minutes late. Pre-child, waiting for a post-child friend would piss me off. Now, I not only understand but expect it. Kids don't care about time. They're little arseholes. And you know what? It has taken weeks, WEEKS of non cry it out sleep training to get my child to sleep longer than 30 minutes at a time. So many tears. So little sleep. So if I have to have lunch with you at 1030am because bub's biggest nap is somewhere around 1130-130 and he won't sleep when I'm out and as a result of being tired becomes the devil with roid rage and makes me want to stab myself in the eye, well guess what? You're having lunch with me at 1030am or not at all. Thems the breaks my friend.

Anything that happens when a mother has post natal depression

The story of the mother who left her baby in a drain? Well I felt complete heartbreak for her because it was at a time when I was also considering the various ways I could escape motherhood. Pre-child, I had nothing but pure hatred and contempt for any mother that could do anything but love their child silly. Now, as someone with PND, my child is extremely lucky that we both had a great support system that stopped me from leaving him on someone's doorstep. Literally. I was also lucky to have people that could recognise that my behaviour was not me, and did not judge me for it, but rather showed concern & compassion. Because judgement would not have helped the situation in any way, shape or form. It would have made it worse. Much, much worse. Because I can guarantee that whatever judgements you were passing about me, I was passing them on myself but twenty times worse. When you have a child that literally screams for hours on end, every single fucking day, the future looks bleak my friends. You add in the hormones of breastfeeding, a traumatic birth, the pressure of society, the mummy guilt and health problems, you've got a cocktail that I like to call 'shit just got real and it stinks'. With this point especially, I cannot apologise profusely enough. My pre-kid self was a judgemental, know-it-all cunt and I take back every Judgey McJudgepants comment I ever made about a mum with PND.

That age old saying of 'don't judge someone until you've walked in their shoes' is actually pretty accurate when it comes to parenting. I had no idea what being a parent was like, and all my friends and family that just gave me that 'you don't know what the fuck you're on about' smile whenever I started a sentence with "when I have kids......", well guys, I get it. I get it now. And I'm sorry I was a bitch.

Cheers,

Qld Nurse.