As the year 2013 ends.....

So as the year comes to an end I think to myself "THANK CHRIST!" Or "THANK BACON" as I am now officially an ordained member of the Church of Bacon. Yes - it was a drunken impulse.  No I am not sorry so deal OK?

Seriously, this has been probably the worst year of my life. I've thought about divorce more times than I should have (yep hit my first anniversary in September = winning!!!), I've miscarried the baby I so desperately wanted and I've changed into a job where I feel I know nothing and everyone is wondering when I'll get fired, my parents have separated (again for the like the 60th time) and my father in law has undergone chemo like 3 times. It's been grand. :o/

So, at the end of the year, I walk past homeless and the less fortunate and I think, well maybe I shouldn't be such a cunt. (Sorry for the c word mum, I love you.)

I mean, I have a job where I get paid (fairly) decently, I have an alright car, my bills are paid on time (relatively) and the only REAL problem I have is that ppl turn to me with their problems and expect me to solve them (mostly my parents, but occasionally 'friends').

Which is cool, but I feel like a fraud because if they're turning to me, it means they think I've got my shit figured out. Which means I'm obviously a hell better actor than I thought I was.  I do NOT have my shit figured out. I mean in total "I've called Lifeline like twice in the last month and have made an anonymous donation to counteract the calls" not figured out is what I'm talking about.

I do not understand life. I do not understand why some people can be absolute bastards to their bodies and survive and others can live an 'organic, drug free, preservative free, colour free, fun free' life and die of brain cancer. I do not understand that.  I do not appreciate (especially now working in ICU) how sometimes bad shit happens to good people and you just have to accept it. I don't. I don't have the answers to life. I don't have the answers to what ails you and I have definitely not felt more stupid because I'm aware of what I don't know than what I do now.

However, I've gained a friendship and familiarity with a sister that I never knew before, I've had emails from friends I haven't spoken to in years, I've touched a few lives that I didn't think I'd touch, and I've gained an inner strength I didn't think I had.

BUUUUUUUUTTT, I have realised the importance of friendship. I had a friend tell me the other day (when I suggested I shut down a little because I didn't know who I could trust) that my openness was what ppl loved about me because as much as other ppl were selfish bitches they knew where they stood with me and that was a value that was understated.

So, my new years resolution - is to pay more attention to the ppl who I think deserve it, and listen to the patients who I think have more to say. I promise that 2014 will be the year that I feel I achieved something, and hopefully, that's another human life.  If it's not, then I hope it's filled with GENUINE friendships, and a love of life that I haven't really experienced before. Because there's some terrible shit out there folks. And if you're lucky enough not to experience it, then I hope you KNOW that you're lucky enough not to experience it.

Peace out you lucky motherfuckers. xo

Life throws you curveballs. Those balls suck ass.

So it's been a while since I've blogged.  Because I miscarried. On the 5th week and 4th day I woke up nauseous, with cramps and bleeding.  One day, after a positive pregnancy test and the whole life being planned of the baby we've so badly wanted.  About a week and a half before the pregnancy test I "knew" though. So let's go with one week and a few days of planning a baby's life before nausea/cramps/bleeding/baby dying etc.

I've just logged in, and half a finished blog about how excited I was to be pregnant was waiting for approval.  What's that guts? You needed another kick? Of course you did.

I'm sad. Like ridiculously sad. I keep it together the majority of the time, but there's just some times (like now) that I can't keep it in. Mostly because it's 330am I can't call anyone so I'm here blogging. Because sane that's why. So shut up.

Not dealing. No idea how to deal. Sick of getting told 'well at least you know you can pregnant'. Well great then! Hopefully I can lose like another 3 pregnancies just to make sure 'at least I can pregnant'. Hash tag fucking sarcasm.

So life sucks right now. And my husband tries his best to 'be there' and 'support me' and all the other inverted commas shit you can think of.  In his defence, he's tried his hardest but he doesn't get it. He probably never will. Mentally, I got it. Emotionally, weeeeellll.....

A week after I lost the baby he was all 'well let's go again'.  In all honesty I wanted to punch his fucking head in.  Because hormones and anger and grief get the better of me like 50% of the time and it mostly comes out as anger or tears. Neither of which my husband is greatly equipped to deal with.

I feel responsible, I feel like a failure (once again, get over it already right?) and I feel like I have let every single person in our life down.

So that's my last 4 weeks summed up. You caught up?  If not, here's a summary:

Ocsober - feeling great

Baby death

Anger

Anger

Drunk

Anger/Resentment

Drunk Anger

Drunk crying

Drunk sad

Anger

Sad

Sad

Anger

Drunk/Resentment

Drunk Happy LOL Jokes, drunk Angry all the time

Drunk

Angry/Drunk/Crying ALL THE EMOTIONS

Fabulous month. Oh by the way 2013, you can lick my balls, hope your 2013 boyfriend dumps you and then you can lick my balls again.

Have a great weekend kids!!

OcSober half way, Acupuncture & night shift. Golden combination....

So I'm halfway through OcSober! Yay! I've just finished a string of night shifts so I would gladly beat someone senseless for a Bundy right now and the fact there is only 14 more days until I can have one is doing nothing to quell my thirst.  My sister said to the me the other day 'with your luck, you'll find out you're pregnant on October 31 and won't be able to drink anyway!'.  Thanks, jinx! (But secretly wishing it would come true.)

OcSober has done nothing for my health despite taking liver detox tablets everyday and actually being pretty good with the diet thing.  Not so much with the exercise thing, but weight loss is 80% diet, 20% exercise anyway right?  Or in my case, 60% hormones, 30% diet, 10% exercise - that's my story and I'm sticking to it! Remember, i'm just off night shift so I will hurt you.....  I have gained weight, I'm still not sleeping any better and it's not getting any easier.  Cry me a river right?

Soooooo because the alcohol thing is a crock of shit, I decided to try some 'Fertility Acupuncture' today.  It was quite an odd experience, the chap comes highly recommended and I've never meditated before, but I had an 'experience' which made me feel more at peace and hopeful than I have in quite a while.  He also gave me some herbs to try, and at this point I'm willing to pretty much give anything a go.  I left feeling not better, but different. I'm choosing to see it in the positive.

Acupuncture was decided after reading a book called "Bump & Grind - The A to Z survival guide for when you're trying to get pregnant and sick of being told to relax" by Genevieve Morton.  If you are struggling to conceive, and you haven't read this book already, do it.  Seriously, here's the link.  http://www.amazon.co.uk/Bump-Grind-Z-Survival-Pregnant/dp/1905410883
This book was written TO me. TO ME guys. It was like she had gotten inside my head and was writing to let me know that everything I'm going through is completely the same as others who are also struggling to fall pregnant. I mean I always knew I wasn't alone. But now I KNOW.  I can't explain it.  Validation is a powerful tool I guess.

On the flip side, it also made me realise that maybe i'm not actually doing enough, and made me hell nervous for our specialist appointment next month.  For example, I haven't once taken my temperature.  A) because I don't own a thermometer but B) because seriously you have to take your temperature? WTF? I don't religiously piss on ovulation tests.  Mostly because my cycles are so irregular that it would cost me hundreds of dollars a month (or three) in tests because i'd have to test pretty much every day, for sometimes up to 10 weeks.  I also don't have our diet religiously planned out to ensure that i'm having fucking quinoa or some shit because it increases the likelihood of the production of blah blah blah.  I just figured, up the vegies, down the processed crap, watch the portion size = happy days.

But most importantly, this is the first actual book I've read on the subject. Don't get me wrong, I've seen enough web pages on PCOS and trying to conceive and blogs, that this blog should probably be a lot better than it is, but I've never actually read a book.  The picture she paints in this book is that I'm supposed to have a library of books, categorised by colour and number of tips and my genitals should have friction burn from having sex twice a day for the past year.

The feeling - inadequate. I've felt inadequate as a woman for a while now because I can't conceive, but now I also feel inadequate to be able to bitch and whinge about it too!  Like I haven't tried hard enough because I haven't gone gluten, dairy, carb, sugar, caffeine, and sanity free whilst also checking my cervical mucus 3 times a day and charting my temperature whilst exercising for 2 hours a day.  *sigh*

I can't win. I think I think too much, and my acupuncture today pretty much (in my head where I was thinking) confirmed this.  The needle that hurt the most and didn't seem to ever 'fade'? The one smack bang in the middle of my forehead.  Sign?

Anyway guys I've got to go and buy another 10 books to read asI molest my husband whilst cooking some berry oats.

OcSober - Week 1

Well, I made it! 7 whole days without so much as a sniff of a Brandy.  I don't drink Brandy, but that sounded a bit more flash than 'a suck of a black rat' (Bundaberg Rums cans are nicknamed Black Rats for those who are clearly not as classy as I).

I'm actually OK. Crisis averted. The images of me sneaking into an AA meeting in a hoodie and visor cap are slowly disintegrating and I think I may actually be able to go even longer than the month required for OcSober.

But on Day 6 I got struck down with a corker of a migraine. The whole shebang.  Loss of sight, unable to walk, neck and back feeling as though they were barely keeping my head up.  My first thought? "HOLY SHIT. I am ACTUALLY withdrawing from alcohol.  I'm a fucking alcoholic."  My 2nd thought?  "Don't be stupid. You know that the most of symptoms happen on Day 3 of withdrawal, and you also know your migraines are caused from muscles."  My 3rd thought? "I haven't had a migraine in ages. Maybe having a few drinks every few days keeps me relaxed enough to stop getting migraines."  My 4th thought? "HOLY SHIT. I'm a fucking alcoholic!"

On the downside, I have actually GAINED weight? Are you kidding me body???  My husband and I decided to do this a) for the health benefits, because in case you hadn't read any of my other blogs, we are trying for a baby and b) the weight loss benefits, that would ultimately, help us in our quest for a baby.  Oh and also helping charities and all that shit....

So that's a bummer. I'm really not sleeping any better either which I thought would be the first thing to happen.  Buuuut, I did go and have a blood test today (checking Prolactin levels, my last one in May was elevated. So yay for maybe having a pituitary tumour as well as PCOS!!) and I didn't have to worry about the results being 'not so accurate' because I'd had a 6 pack the night before.  So I guess that's a plus!

So all in all, this week has proved a couple of things to me:
1. I am not an alcoholic, I'm clearly a binge drinker. Difference ok guys?
2. My weight gain is not from alcohol and is most likely from the hormonal freakshow going on inside my body.
AND
3. My husband is a gem when I'm sick, and clearly loves being needed.  Needed to text people for me, get me pain killers, heat my heat pack and rub my back when i'm feeling sorry for myself.  Dah, I also just realised I missed out on a killer opportunity for him to sing 'Soft Kitty' to me! Dammit....

And again, if you don't think you could do the OcSober challenge and your drinking is harming yourself, others here's the ATODs link.
http://www.health.qld.gov.au/atod/

Ocsober.

So I've signed up to do Ocsober.  Granted, I signed up today on the 1st October, and I may have been hungover when I did it, but I did it.

Here's the thing, I love Bundy Rum.  Like a lot.  Like more than friend love.  I drink a 6 pack on my days off, about once a week, and sometimes I will drink more than that if I have a few days off and am feeling particularly happy/sad/depressed/excited/good about myself/bad about myself.

Yes, I do know that this is binge drinking. Yes, I do know that's not healthy. Yes, I am a nurse and realise what a hypocrite I am. No it has never affected my job and I do not drink when I have to work. Yes, I do probably do it to self medicate because for a good few hours I forget about the world's problems, and how stressful my job is, and how I'm not pregnant AGAIN. Yes, I have at times considered if i'm an alcoholic - a highly functioning one, but an alcoholic nonetheless.

So I not only want to to do this, for my health I NEED to do it. But I have very little confidence in myself. I am also a Jew (not just metaphorically, LITERALLY like 1/4 Jew on my Dad's side) so I'm hoping that the option of having to buy a $50 pass will turn me off having a drink. This will be the only option, because my guilt of having a 'sneaky' drink will eat my up from the inside out and I'm pretty sure it will make my breasts turn gangrenous and fall off and my cat will eat them while i'm sleeping.

So, tips on how to survive a dry month?  Aside from the obvious - signing up with a friend.  Already done. My husband didn't have a choice.  Well he did, he had a choice.  Sign up with me or he'd also be having a 'dry month', but not in the alcohol way. ;)

Oh and obligatory, if you or anyone you know struggles with alcohol addiction head on over here:
http://www.health.qld.gov.au/atod/

HOPE!

Hope.  Is there a greater word? I think not.  It gives you images of green grass, and children playing with bunnies and old people playing cards around a table laughing, and laughing and laughing.

I have an appointment with a fertility specialist.  Originally, thought I would have to wait 3 months.  Although it may not seem like much, after 12 months of disappointment, 3 months is a lifetime.  But it's only going to be about 6 weeks and it makes my heart sing.

So the catalyst, was after 9.5 weeks, 2 weeks of aching boobs, countless times of nausea and the 'feeling' that this was it, I got my period.  Yes, my poor husband did come out into the lounge at 3am to find me wasted and crying uncontrollably listening to Celine Dion (why Celine, why??) and I figured that I couldn't do this again so I made a Drs appointment.

So we have an appointment.  I feel sick.  I'm so nervous about finally getting some answers, but what if it's bad news? What if he tells me that my worst thoughts are true and I can't have kids?  Or what if he tells me what my Dr has told me all along and that it's just because I'm too fat?  I know it's stupid, but I have this deep down feeling that all those mean kids throughout my life were completely right and I'm just a worthless fatty.

What if it works though, and like my friend at work,within 2 months of treatment I'm pregnant with a child?  Like, a real human baby.  That I will have to mould into a human being.  Am I ready?  Are WE ready?  What sort of Mum will I be?  Can I handle it?  Can we afford it?  Will I be one of those people that uploads photos to FB every time their kid takes a dump?  Will I spoil them?  Will I be too hard on them and they grow up to be a serial killer???

My boss told me a couple of weeks ago that I was 'born to be a Mum'.  I was so proud.  But how do you tell if someone's 'meant to be a Mum'.  Do I have a vibe?  Or is it just the fact that I take the student nurses under my wing instead of throwing them to the wolves like I had done to me?  Do I give off a Mummy vibe?

The thing that sticks in my mind the most - is that there are people with REAL problems in the world.  There are people literally dying to get out of their countries, jumping on unsafe boats for the hope of a better life.  There are people living in tents in war torn countries, daily wondering if this day is their last.  But here I am bitching about not being able to fall pregnant at the drop of a West Coast Cooler.  I feel so selfish but I can't stop thinking about it.  It literally controls just about every thought I have during the day.

My best friend is pregnant.  She had hyperemesis for the first 3.5 months of her pregnancy and felt like shit.  She would tell me about how she was 'forced' to go on 2 weeks leave by her boss (she's also a nurse) and that being pregnant was the worst thing she ever did in her life.  I envied her so hard.  I would gladly give up every worldly possession I own and give up work for the chance of a baby.  But that makes me selfish right?  Should someone that selfish be having a child? Will I be able to give up the things I like for a baby? Will my husband and I kill each other from sleep deprivation?

Boils down to 'hope' right?  What do we have if we don't have hope?  Should I hope to have a long career, or good health instead of hoping to fall pregnant?  Should I hope to be able to live comfortably and go on long holidays?

Or should I hope that I continue to have a partner, who loves me so hard for who I am regardless of the challenges we are faced with and if a baby comes along then so be it?

I think I'll hope, that the next time he comes out at 3am and I'm crying uncontrollably, it's when I have a newborn in my arms, my nipples are raw and bleeding, I'm so sleep deprived I could probably get away with murder, and it's because I'm so unbelievably happy that there's no other way to express it but crying uncontrollably.

De ja vu

So I'm "due" tomorrow. For my Aunt Flo I mean, not a baby.

I peed on ANOTHER negative stick.  I think it's about the 6th for this month.  Because I've been nauseous for the last week, I was holding out great hopes.  But no.

The thing is, I started Metformin 6 weeks ago.  And according to my "Fertility Tracker" app, my 'aunt flo' last month came when she was scheduled. And it was the first time since we've started trying that I was actually happy to get my period. Because it was when it was supposed to be. And that meant, I might be regulating. And that meant that this month was 'the month' because when the app said I should be ovulating, I should be right?  The Metformin was working right?  Although I've felt like crap, and have had a couple of hyPOglycaemic events and had some major GI upsets, it's working right?  Especially since my beautiful, forever optimistic Dr had said "she had a woman in similar circumstances and she's just fallen pregnant" it meant I would too right?  Well wrong.

So you know what I did when that dreaded one line only came up?  I got drunk.  Even though, in my head, I'm still holding out the slightest of slightest hopes that all the people that have said "You know little James didn't show up on a stick until I was 8 weeks" and "those tests aren't 100% accurate" - I hope that they're right. But I KNOW that in a day or two, when I get my period, when I'm 'due' I'm going to burst into tears and be devastated, and holding out hope will only make that worse.

I know the nausea I've been experiencing, I've been experiencing ever since I started taking Metformin.  But this is different right?  It was totally morning sickness.  Even though I had absolutely NO other symptoms of pregnancy, it was totally morning sickness. TOTALLY.

The thing I forget? My husband.

Because the thing is, it's Father's Day here in a few days.  And I know, it's going to devastate him as much as Mother's Day devastated me. The Facebook feed of all the happy Mums with their presents and their burnt toast breakfast in bed.  And somehow I think his pain, is less than mine. Why? Because it's my pain and I'm a woman. And that's worse than his right?

He'll never know how it feels to have a life inside him. His sperm count was fine, so it means that I'm the problem.  I'm the failure in this baby-making relationship.  He has no idea.

But he does.  It hurts him.  And sometimes I'm so caught up in my own self pity and depression, that I forget that this affects him too.  He's ready to be a Dad.  He came home from work the other day in tears, because I'd greeted my pregnant best friend with 'Hey Mumma!' and he desperately wanted to call me that.  I had brushed him off, because he didn't FEEL what I felt.  He didn't know.

So the point of this (another huge) blog, was to get my feelings out about all the Wannabe Daddy's out there.  I apologise for all the other Wannabe Mummy's out there for sometimes forgetting that you're in this too.  It takes two to make a baby, and occasionally we are so focused on our own incapabilities that we forget that.

We love you.  We support you.  We are in this together.

If it wasn't for you, I would have the lost the plot a long time ago.  So thank you.

I KNOW I'm not alone.....

So help me out here sisters,

I'm a little bit tipsy, listening to Celine Dion's "A new Day has Come" and I'm feeling a little hopeless.  It's probably a mix of the Bundy Rum and the song, but hear me out.

I'm struggling to fall pregnant.  We've been 'trying' for almost a year, and it's getting to the 'affecting my mental health' and 'affecting my marriage' point.

I've been diagnosed as PCOS (that's Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome for those not in the know) which doesn't seem to make the fact of not falling pregnant 'easily' any better.  Especially when you have friends/sisters who say things like 'I was WAY heavier than you, with PCOS and still fell pregnant'.  I get a little stabby-stabby.

I'm overweight, but not what i'd consider 'holy crap! How are you even walking??' overweight, I drink, not to what i'd consider anymore than my friends, and I've given up smoking in the chance that i'd 'fall'.

But it's not happening.  And it's depressing.  I walk the shopping centres, and I see people fatter than me, smoking, and I think to myself 'oh yeah right, THEY can have kids but not you!'.  I'm a registered nurse - so I see people on my ward EVERY day who are IV drug users, who have so many complicated social situations where children should not be bought into, and they have children and I think 'Oh right, IV drug use, domestic violence, multiple husbands, that's OK, but you - you're fat, you can't have kids'.

I just hate it. And I've been told so many times 'just stop trying and you'll fall'.  I swear to God if I hear that one more time, I will go postal on someone.  Because when you want something more than you've ever wanted something in your entire life, and someone says 'just stop trying' it makes you see red. For real.

I've never gotten anything in my life that I haven't worked for, so I guess I'm not used to being told no.  I was brought up in a 'lower socio-economic' upbringing, where the favorite expression was 'sorry honey, we can't afford it' and that's OK. I learned the value of a dollar, and I've worked, I've worked HARD, for every single thing that I've ever earned, including my 2 degrees.  Including working 3 jobs at one stage, to pay the rent in a city that had the only degree I was working for. So I guess it's hard for me to get that I can't just 'want' to be a mum hard enough that it will happen.

What shits me off the most, is that since I've been so vocal about my trouble, many other people have also indicated that it wasn't 'easy' for them also.

Now, going back a little bit, the reason I 'HAD' to be so vocal, is that being a nurse, I work mostly with females, and once you're married, the typical question is 'so when are you having babies'.  It got to the stage that I was being asked at LEAST once a shift, 'are you pregnant?'.

Now, going off the pill - for the first time in 12 years, AND having (at the time, undiagnosed) PCOS, I put on weight, and put it down to quitting smoking and getting married and yedda yedda yedda.  But when a work mate walked past and rubbed my belly and said 'it's growing' (as in I was pregnant and she knew) - I lost my shit.  Not only because what business is it of anyone if I put on weight, but what right does ANYONE have to ask anyone else if they're pregnant and more importantly who RUBS someone's FUCKING STOMACH when they have no idea!?!?

Having trouble getting pregnant, when someone asked me if I was, and I had my period after waiting the like 8 weeks because of the irregularity due to the PCOS, I was pretty irrational, and it hurt.  So it got to the stage, where it had to be bought up in our team meeting, that it was impolite to ask if people were pregnant on the ward - because there were a couple of people having trouble falling pregnant.  And people got the hint, that I didn't want to be asked, and if they did, I would lose it.

Now, I have conflicted emotions, because I know I'm not the only one in the world that has had trouble falling pregnant, and I know that there are more serious issues out there in the world.  I have a pretty nice life now.  I mean I have a HECS debt that I would probably not pay off until my 60s.  I don't own a house.  I have credit card debt and 2 personal loans.  But I'm not on a Government pension, I have enough money to go on holidays and I am by no means below the poverty line - anymore.  I have what a lot of people would envy.

But I envy. And I know I'm not the only one.  I envy those people who 'complain' about their kids.  My best friend is pregnant, and has hyper-emesis. She's had 21 weeks of hell. She's had to stop work, because she couldn't stand up more than 20 minutes without being sick.  And I would swap places with her in an instant.  I would gladly give up work, and spew my ass out for 40 weeks, if at the end of it, I got a baby.

So the point of this (super long! I'm sorry) blog, is that I wanted to reach out to other people that are in the same situation as me. I wanted to let people know, that I feel like a failure as a woman and if there's anyone else out there that feels the same, you are not alone.  I want you to know that although we cannot sniff a bacardi breezer and get pregnant like EVERYONE ELSE (tongue in cheek don't hate me) seems to do, you are not a failure. You are amazing. And you have more to give in life than procreate.  Just like me.  Right?