OcSober half way, Acupuncture & night shift. Golden combination....

So I'm halfway through OcSober! Yay! I've just finished a string of night shifts so I would gladly beat someone senseless for a Bundy right now and the fact there is only 14 more days until I can have one is doing nothing to quell my thirst.  My sister said to the me the other day 'with your luck, you'll find out you're pregnant on October 31 and won't be able to drink anyway!'.  Thanks, jinx! (But secretly wishing it would come true.)

OcSober has done nothing for my health despite taking liver detox tablets everyday and actually being pretty good with the diet thing.  Not so much with the exercise thing, but weight loss is 80% diet, 20% exercise anyway right?  Or in my case, 60% hormones, 30% diet, 10% exercise - that's my story and I'm sticking to it! Remember, i'm just off night shift so I will hurt you.....  I have gained weight, I'm still not sleeping any better and it's not getting any easier.  Cry me a river right?

Soooooo because the alcohol thing is a crock of shit, I decided to try some 'Fertility Acupuncture' today.  It was quite an odd experience, the chap comes highly recommended and I've never meditated before, but I had an 'experience' which made me feel more at peace and hopeful than I have in quite a while.  He also gave me some herbs to try, and at this point I'm willing to pretty much give anything a go.  I left feeling not better, but different. I'm choosing to see it in the positive.

Acupuncture was decided after reading a book called "Bump & Grind - The A to Z survival guide for when you're trying to get pregnant and sick of being told to relax" by Genevieve Morton.  If you are struggling to conceive, and you haven't read this book already, do it.  Seriously, here's the link.  http://www.amazon.co.uk/Bump-Grind-Z-Survival-Pregnant/dp/1905410883
This book was written TO me. TO ME guys. It was like she had gotten inside my head and was writing to let me know that everything I'm going through is completely the same as others who are also struggling to fall pregnant. I mean I always knew I wasn't alone. But now I KNOW.  I can't explain it.  Validation is a powerful tool I guess.

On the flip side, it also made me realise that maybe i'm not actually doing enough, and made me hell nervous for our specialist appointment next month.  For example, I haven't once taken my temperature.  A) because I don't own a thermometer but B) because seriously you have to take your temperature? WTF? I don't religiously piss on ovulation tests.  Mostly because my cycles are so irregular that it would cost me hundreds of dollars a month (or three) in tests because i'd have to test pretty much every day, for sometimes up to 10 weeks.  I also don't have our diet religiously planned out to ensure that i'm having fucking quinoa or some shit because it increases the likelihood of the production of blah blah blah.  I just figured, up the vegies, down the processed crap, watch the portion size = happy days.

But most importantly, this is the first actual book I've read on the subject. Don't get me wrong, I've seen enough web pages on PCOS and trying to conceive and blogs, that this blog should probably be a lot better than it is, but I've never actually read a book.  The picture she paints in this book is that I'm supposed to have a library of books, categorised by colour and number of tips and my genitals should have friction burn from having sex twice a day for the past year.

The feeling - inadequate. I've felt inadequate as a woman for a while now because I can't conceive, but now I also feel inadequate to be able to bitch and whinge about it too!  Like I haven't tried hard enough because I haven't gone gluten, dairy, carb, sugar, caffeine, and sanity free whilst also checking my cervical mucus 3 times a day and charting my temperature whilst exercising for 2 hours a day.  *sigh*

I can't win. I think I think too much, and my acupuncture today pretty much (in my head where I was thinking) confirmed this.  The needle that hurt the most and didn't seem to ever 'fade'? The one smack bang in the middle of my forehead.  Sign?

Anyway guys I've got to go and buy another 10 books to read asI molest my husband whilst cooking some berry oats.

OcSober - Week 1

Well, I made it! 7 whole days without so much as a sniff of a Brandy.  I don't drink Brandy, but that sounded a bit more flash than 'a suck of a black rat' (Bundaberg Rums cans are nicknamed Black Rats for those who are clearly not as classy as I).

I'm actually OK. Crisis averted. The images of me sneaking into an AA meeting in a hoodie and visor cap are slowly disintegrating and I think I may actually be able to go even longer than the month required for OcSober.

But on Day 6 I got struck down with a corker of a migraine. The whole shebang.  Loss of sight, unable to walk, neck and back feeling as though they were barely keeping my head up.  My first thought? "HOLY SHIT. I am ACTUALLY withdrawing from alcohol.  I'm a fucking alcoholic."  My 2nd thought?  "Don't be stupid. You know that the most of symptoms happen on Day 3 of withdrawal, and you also know your migraines are caused from muscles."  My 3rd thought? "I haven't had a migraine in ages. Maybe having a few drinks every few days keeps me relaxed enough to stop getting migraines."  My 4th thought? "HOLY SHIT. I'm a fucking alcoholic!"

On the downside, I have actually GAINED weight? Are you kidding me body???  My husband and I decided to do this a) for the health benefits, because in case you hadn't read any of my other blogs, we are trying for a baby and b) the weight loss benefits, that would ultimately, help us in our quest for a baby.  Oh and also helping charities and all that shit....

So that's a bummer. I'm really not sleeping any better either which I thought would be the first thing to happen.  Buuuut, I did go and have a blood test today (checking Prolactin levels, my last one in May was elevated. So yay for maybe having a pituitary tumour as well as PCOS!!) and I didn't have to worry about the results being 'not so accurate' because I'd had a 6 pack the night before.  So I guess that's a plus!

So all in all, this week has proved a couple of things to me:
1. I am not an alcoholic, I'm clearly a binge drinker. Difference ok guys?
2. My weight gain is not from alcohol and is most likely from the hormonal freakshow going on inside my body.
AND
3. My husband is a gem when I'm sick, and clearly loves being needed.  Needed to text people for me, get me pain killers, heat my heat pack and rub my back when i'm feeling sorry for myself.  Dah, I also just realised I missed out on a killer opportunity for him to sing 'Soft Kitty' to me! Dammit....

And again, if you don't think you could do the OcSober challenge and your drinking is harming yourself, others here's the ATODs link.
http://www.health.qld.gov.au/atod/

Ocsober.

So I've signed up to do Ocsober.  Granted, I signed up today on the 1st October, and I may have been hungover when I did it, but I did it.

Here's the thing, I love Bundy Rum.  Like a lot.  Like more than friend love.  I drink a 6 pack on my days off, about once a week, and sometimes I will drink more than that if I have a few days off and am feeling particularly happy/sad/depressed/excited/good about myself/bad about myself.

Yes, I do know that this is binge drinking. Yes, I do know that's not healthy. Yes, I am a nurse and realise what a hypocrite I am. No it has never affected my job and I do not drink when I have to work. Yes, I do probably do it to self medicate because for a good few hours I forget about the world's problems, and how stressful my job is, and how I'm not pregnant AGAIN. Yes, I have at times considered if i'm an alcoholic - a highly functioning one, but an alcoholic nonetheless.

So I not only want to to do this, for my health I NEED to do it. But I have very little confidence in myself. I am also a Jew (not just metaphorically, LITERALLY like 1/4 Jew on my Dad's side) so I'm hoping that the option of having to buy a $50 pass will turn me off having a drink. This will be the only option, because my guilt of having a 'sneaky' drink will eat my up from the inside out and I'm pretty sure it will make my breasts turn gangrenous and fall off and my cat will eat them while i'm sleeping.

So, tips on how to survive a dry month?  Aside from the obvious - signing up with a friend.  Already done. My husband didn't have a choice.  Well he did, he had a choice.  Sign up with me or he'd also be having a 'dry month', but not in the alcohol way. ;)

Oh and obligatory, if you or anyone you know struggles with alcohol addiction head on over here:
http://www.health.qld.gov.au/atod/