So as the year comes to an end I think to myself "THANK CHRIST!" Or "THANK BACON" as I am now officially an ordained member of the Church of Bacon. Yes - it was a drunken impulse. No I am not sorry so deal OK?
Seriously, this has been probably the worst year of my life. I've thought about divorce more times than I should have (yep hit my first anniversary in September = winning!!!), I've miscarried the baby I so desperately wanted and I've changed into a job where I feel I know nothing and everyone is wondering when I'll get fired, my parents have separated (again for the like the 60th time) and my father in law has undergone chemo like 3 times. It's been grand. :o/
So, at the end of the year, I walk past homeless and the less fortunate and I think, well maybe I shouldn't be such a cunt. (Sorry for the c word mum, I love you.)
I mean, I have a job where I get paid (fairly) decently, I have an alright car, my bills are paid on time (relatively) and the only REAL problem I have is that ppl turn to me with their problems and expect me to solve them (mostly my parents, but occasionally 'friends').
Which is cool, but I feel like a fraud because if they're turning to me, it means they think I've got my shit figured out. Which means I'm obviously a hell better actor than I thought I was. I do NOT have my shit figured out. I mean in total "I've called Lifeline like twice in the last month and have made an anonymous donation to counteract the calls" not figured out is what I'm talking about.
I do not understand life. I do not understand why some people can be absolute bastards to their bodies and survive and others can live an 'organic, drug free, preservative free, colour free, fun free' life and die of brain cancer. I do not understand that. I do not appreciate (especially now working in ICU) how sometimes bad shit happens to good people and you just have to accept it. I don't. I don't have the answers to life. I don't have the answers to what ails you and I have definitely not felt more stupid because I'm aware of what I don't know than what I do now.
However, I've gained a friendship and familiarity with a sister that I never knew before, I've had emails from friends I haven't spoken to in years, I've touched a few lives that I didn't think I'd touch, and I've gained an inner strength I didn't think I had.
BUUUUUUUUTTT, I have realised the importance of friendship. I had a friend tell me the other day (when I suggested I shut down a little because I didn't know who I could trust) that my openness was what ppl loved about me because as much as other ppl were selfish bitches they knew where they stood with me and that was a value that was understated.
So, my new years resolution - is to pay more attention to the ppl who I think deserve it, and listen to the patients who I think have more to say. I promise that 2014 will be the year that I feel I achieved something, and hopefully, that's another human life. If it's not, then I hope it's filled with GENUINE friendships, and a love of life that I haven't really experienced before. Because there's some terrible shit out there folks. And if you're lucky enough not to experience it, then I hope you KNOW that you're lucky enough not to experience it.
Peace out you lucky motherfuckers. xo
