Why putting your dress out is not enough.

So #putyourdressout is trending on the net today where women are hanging their wedding or special dress on the front door. It's supposedly been initiated by Stephanie Scott's family as a way to remember her life on what should have been her wedding day and raise awareness of violence against women. 

Here's the thing.

Hanging your wedding dress on your front door out of respect for Stephanie is wonderful. If that brings you some comfort & makes you feel closer to a woman, who's life was cut way too short then go nuts. If you think that it will help less women get killed, you're fucking delusional.

I find this is somewhat along the lines of #makeupfreeselfieforcancer. Slacktivism. Where people can feel good about themselves by thinking they are actually standing up for something they believe in, without actually having to do very much at all.

By putting a dress out the front of your door, you are not helping to end the fight of violence against women. Not even close. It's not enough.

30 women have already been killed this year. 2 a week. The news stories run sad film for a week or so, Twitter blows up about violence against women, then another woman is killed so the first is forgotten and then the cycle is repeated. Do you know why?

Because violence against women is so ingrained in our culture that we don't even bother to fight anymore. Or we fight for a little bit, but then we just continue to live our lives because it's all just too hard.

We elected a man, who's head of a party that ran a 'ditch the witch' campaign against our first EVER female PM. LNP candidate Mal Brough held a fundraiser that had a menu that talked about her small tits & red box. We talked about what she was wearing & who coloured her hair. The now MALE Prime Minister has appointed himself Minister for WOMEN and cut funding to domestic violence services for fuck's sake! There's one women who managed to get his approval and we talk about how she must be a 'ball busting bitch'. That just touches on the people who run our country. Run. Our. Country.

When Jill Meagher was killed there was a huge outcry of 'why was she by herself at that time of the morning!?' A priest just a few weeks ago said she'd still be alive if she'd had 'more faith' because she'd be in bed not walking down that street. Then just last month, a teenage girl got stabbed to death walking through the park, in broad daylight. And what do we say? Oh she shouldn't have had her earphones in.  A prostitute gets murdered and we say 'she was an easy target'.

COME THE FUCK ON AUSTRALIA!

So what are we going to say about Stephanie who was AT WORK when she was killed? Working is too dangerous so women should stay at home and let the big tough men go out into the big bad world for them? Oh wait, 96% of women get killed by an intimate partner! So I guess that rules out staying home too.

If we want to stop violence against women, we have to get rid of the mentality that women aren't worth as much as men! Boys are being brought up with the covert message that women are weak, easy targets and their lives aren't worth as much as a mans', partly because of the messages above! A woman shouldn't have to be on guard, walking through a park in the middle of the day. A woman should be able to walk a few blocks home at any time of the night, not having to fear for her life. A prostitute has just as much right to life as a 26 year old school teacher. 

This goes hand in hand with my previous post about rape. If a woman is raped she was 'asking for it', or 'drunk what did she expect?' or 'dressed provocatively'. Fuck that shit. Men just shouldn't fucking rape! I should be able to walk down the street naked, drunk and swinging my tits around my ears without the fear that I will get raped and murdered.

'But that's not how it is!!' I hear you cry. And my question is why the fuck not? 'You don't leave your house unlocked and expect not to get robbed'. Why the fuck not? Why are we such a fucking victim blaming fucking society that the criminals get more sympathy than the victims? I don't give a fat rat's arse if you've had a shit childhood. DON'T KILL PEOPLE! There are millions of other people who had pretty terrible upbringings, and guess what? They don't kill people. They manage to keep their dick in their pants when a woman says no to sex. I don't care if you never had a Daddy to show you the way. In that case you should have more bloody respect for women coz you got raised by one solely!

I wish we would get to the stage where a woman was raped and the first thought is 'what a piece of shit man, I hope he gets life imprisonment where he gets raped every day'. A woman gets murdered and that man goes to jail for life. Not 15 years - LIFE. Meaning you die in prison. If you go to jail for rape, then rape someone when you get out, you can't be rehabilitated and your dog arse gets no more parole opportunities. Full fucking stop.

So no, I won't be putting my dress out. Because if you put your dress out, then continue to tolerate sexist behaviour, nothing will change. Here's what I will be doing though.

I will be teaching my son, that violence against women is disgusting. I will teach him that you don't need friends that joke about rape. I will teach him what consent REALLY is. I will always take exception when a man makes an inappropriate joke around me. I will tell Tony Abbott that he can take my vote & shove it fair up his misogynist arse. I will write to my MP. I will stick up for my fellow women. I will loudly and repeatedly tell people that violence against women is not ok. And I will fight with everything I've got if a man ever decides that I'm an easy target. He better hit me so hard that I don't get up. Because if I get up - he's a fucking dead man. 

GIRL POWER YOU RAPING MURDERING PIECES OF DOG SHIT.

Cheers,

Qld Nurse.

Why jokes about rape are really not funny.

Any views expressed here are strictly my own. I don't speak for anyone else but myself.

Trigger warning - this post talks about sexual abuse and may upset some people.

I cottoned on to a little story in social media this week, about a comedian and a joke about rape.  A woman in the audience took offense and staged a silent protest by getting #UnderTheTable. Comedian took offense to her taking offense and cuts set short. Male comedian then tells female audience member (I have paraphrased here) but basically because she ruined his set, she should die. Tweets that he 'ended up having my worst gig ever'. 

Here's a smh article about it.
http://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/comedy/comedian-ray-badran-tells-audience-member-to-die-for-objecting-to-rape-joke-20150327-1m9hgb.html?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=nc&eid=socialn:twi-13omn1677-edtrl-other:nnn-17/02/2014-edtrs_socialshare-all-nnn-nnn-vars-o&sa=D&usg=ALhdy28zsr6qiq

Here's a mamamia article about it written by the woman in question. http://www.mamamia.com.au/lifestyle/rape-jokes-told-by-comedians/

I wasn't actually there at his show, so I don't know exactly what happened. Maybe the joke was the straw that broke the camel's back after a long day. Maybe the comedian had just read a bad review and he took the insult to heart. I don't know. But here's what I do know.

JOKES ABOUT RAPE, BEING A RAPIST, KNOWING A RAPIST, WITNESSING SOMEONE BEING RAPED, SUGGESTING RAPE -  ARE NOT FUNNY.

Not in any circumstance, in any situation, in any company.

I tweeted something along the lines of this, and it started up a dialogue with a few of my Twitter pals about why such a big deal was being made of this. Not surprisingly, said Twitter pals, were male.  Now the dialogue was kept pretty above board. It wasn't the usual 'fuck u ya slag', 'that time of the month is it?', 'you need to get laid so you can have a laugh' comments that usually get thrown around by men when I start a conversation about not making violence against women jokes. So I appreciate that. But here's a few things I'd like to note:

2 women are week are killed by domestic violence and I'm pretty sure that's increasing. Women earn less than men for doing the same job, will have less superannuation when they retire, were granted the right to vote after men, fuck there's even laws stating what we can and can't do with our body including contraception & abortion. Here's what we're up against. Century upon century of inequality, being told we're just on this planet to please men, being told we are somehow sub-par to our Y chromosome holding peers. If you're religious, this shit gets even worse and I'm not even going to mention the Sharia Law atrocities that are committed against women.

Statistically, women are more likely than men to be raped. I think the stats sit at around 1/3 of women experiencing some form of sexual assault in their lifetime. That doesn't factor in, that there are many, MANY women who don't come forward to report the abuse. I'm one of them. There are 4 women in my close family. The stats are 100% for us. 

Personally, I've been raped twice. I don't go around advertising it, I don't introduce myself as the girl that's been raped, but it has and still does affect me. Like when someone thinks a rape joke is funny perhaps.

Both times, it was by men whom I thought I could trust. Who EXPLICITLY TOLD ME that I could trust them. I knew them, and had known them for a few months before they raped me. Both times I had turned down their previous sexual advances several times.  Both were significantly older than I. Both times I was drunk.

And there it is.....I can hear the collective groan from here. Yep, I was drunk. I was stupid enough, to let down my defences in front of men who I thought, no, who ASSURED me that I could trust them. And THAT is why I didn't report it. Because the go to commentary of rape is that the woman had it coming. That they shouldn't have been drunk because 'what did they expect?'. That they led the bloke on. They shouldn't have worn x, y, z. Does it change your perception if I tell you that both times it was in my house? Not in a sleazy nightclub. I didn't go home with them. Does it make a difference that both times, I wasn't dressed up at all. In fact I believe I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt with no make up and no hair do because it was IN MY HOUSE with PEOPLE WHO I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST.

You know what else was the same? BOTH times, they told me it was MY fault. That they couldn't control themselves because I was so pretty/sexy/irresistible. Both times these men made me feel like I should be ashamed of myself. Both times they made me feel like I should be flattered that they violated me. Both times I felt like I couldn't speak out and have these men held accountable for their actions.  I felt powerless because society has ingrained in me since I was very little that women are second class citizens. That women get raped because of something they did. Because there are men out there, like Ray Badran, who make jokes about rape and rapists for the sake of getting laughs from a few knuckle dragging, dead shit blokes who think it's funny. They think it's ok because 'Chris Rock said it was the funniest thing he'd heard!' They minimise it. They make light of it. They wolf whistle and touch women they don't know, and they think it's their RIGHT to do it. That is has no impact and that it doesn't matter. That 'it's a compliment love!' That we should 'lighten up!'. That it's no big deal. We live in a victim blaming society & it's not ok.

If a women takes exception to this they're a bitch, a 'feminazi', they have no sense of humour 'coz "gawd it was JUST a joke GET OVER IT!" Heaven forbid a woman doesn't find herself flattered that you want to stick your dick in her. 

I get it. It's hard to relate to something you've never experienced. If you haven't had someone violate your personal space and tell you your feelings about it are 'hysterical', then you wouldn't understand what it's like if someone makes a joke about it. I can guarantee that any man who's been raped, doesn't find rape jokes funny. I guarantee than any man who has his wife/partner/sister/mother raped doesn't find rape jokes funny.

If you're a man reading this, humour me for a second. Imagine you get drunk, pass out, and wake up the next day with a sore arse. You shit blood for a week and you find out it's because your mate thought you looked cute in those jeans, so when you were so drunk you couldn't move he had sex you with you. Do you go to the police, because I mean what do you tell them? You don't remember exactly what happened because you were drunk. Your friend tells you that you asked him for it before you passed out. You don't remember this, you've never been interested in this friend when you're sober, but you were drunk so you don't remember. You like this guy, he's a good mate. He tells you that he will never do it again, that he's sorry. He's not normally like this but you are just such a good looking guy. How do you feel?

Then imagine you go out with some friends to try and take your mind off of things. You're feeling a little precious. Then some guy makes a joke about shoving his cock up someone's arse. His mates laugh. 'Coz it's super funny right? Right??

If you're a comedian, roughly half of your audience is female. At least a third of them have experienced some sort of violence sexual or otherwise. If you then tell them that they 'should die' because they didn't find your joke about assaulting someone side-splitting, then you my friend, are a piece of shit. If you object to someone standing up to your disgusting gag about violating someone who will suffer lifelong trauma, then you're a fucking arsehole. If your whole repertoire as a comedian consists of jokes making light of someone else's nightmare, then you're a terrible comedian.

Because rape IS a big deal. It creates wounds that never heal, it kills people's hope, it changes lives irreparably. A person never gets over being raped. They maybe don't flinch when someone touches them anymore. They maybe have a functioning job, a functioning social life and have learned to like sex again. 

But they don't find your joke about rape funny.

Because it isn't. Ever. Because rape is #NotALaughingMatter.

Cheers,

Qld Nurse.

ADIT: I appreciate that women are not the only demographic who have been down-trodden throughout history. For the record I don't find any abuse against anyone amusing, child, animal, racial or otherwise. But for the purpose of this post, I've focused on rape.