Harvey Weinsteins are everywhere...

I've been raped twice.

Wow. Saying that out loud still makes me feel so dirty. One of my rapists, is now happily married with children. The other, I have no idea. Hopefully he's in jail rotting like he should be.

I didn't report either of my rapes. For the exact reason that Rose McGowan didn't report hers. For the same reason that thousands and thousands of women don't report theirs.

I was ashamed.

I thought it was my fault. I didn't have the emotional capacity to go through the courts. How do you prove yourself? If I hadn't have drunk as much, if I'd been more assertive, maybe it WAS my fault. Then I had the wonderful wise words, of the man I used to call my father, tell me "well when you drink as much as you do, what did you expect to happen?"

Women - it's never your fault. NEVER.

Here's a handy image I've prepared, of everything that causes rape.

Alcohol doesn't cause rape.

Clothing doesn't cause rape.

Leading a man on, doesn't cause rape.

RAPISTS CAUSE RAPE

If you are a man reading this right now here's some hints on how not to rape someone.

KEEP YOUR FUCKING DICK IN YOUR PANTS.

If she's drunk - keep it in your pants.

If she says no - keep it in your pants.

If she's underage, keep it in your god damn, fucking, disgusting pants.

To all these women coming out against Harvey Weinstein right now..... THANK YOU. Thank you for paving the way for all the other women (like me) that didn't have the courage to say 'what you did was wrong'.

To all the men, supporting the women.... THANK YOU. Thank you for showing us women that's it's ok to say 'what you did was wrong.'

To everyone else, who is saying things like 'they're just in it for the fame', 'they were probably asking for it', or like our famous Oompa Loompa, mysoginist prick of a USA President 'they were too ugly for me to rape'..... YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.

Stop it.  STOP BEING THE PROBLEM. 

Cheers,
Qld Nurse.

Mindful Mummy

I had a big plan this morning to spend possibly my last day with my toddler, just him and me. I head back to work soon, either casually or full time depending on whether I get my dream job or not, so I figured there wasn't much time left to enjoy just us time. He gets a bit neglected sometimes, the poor little guy, what with the infant needing constant supervision to stop him killing himself, so I really wanted to reconnect with him.

I thought we'll head out for breakfast, go to the aquarium, spend an hour or two there and then have some lunch somewhere to finally come home for him to nap.

Well.....

We went to Maccas for breakfast where he peed on the floor (with a nappy on & without wetting his shorts - proud moment!) which resulted in a glare from Fit Mum in her Active wear probably drinking her triple shot decaf soy half foam low fat mochachino. I shot her an 'Eat a Dick' look of my own whilst cleaning up the wee and then we went to play in the playland for a bit.

We then drove half an hour to spend a total of 10 minutes in the aquarium before having a sensory meltdown & demanding we go home. It was 10am and my plans were down the toilet.

Now even just 6 months ago, this would have ruined my day. No, my WEEK. I mean, the plan man. THE PLAN! I'm a list person. I need to tick things off my list to feel accomplished. I need to stick to the plan and if not the plan, then the back up plan. I mean, how else do you fend off the chaos ffs? People that 'just wing it' are freaks who should not be trusted.

Oh and the judgement from that random person whom I'll probably never meet again? Well that probably would have tipped me over the edge. I would have come straight home, cried, and told myself that Fit Mum was going to write a letter to the Department of Child Safety to have my children removed being that I was clearly an unfit mother.

But today, it actually didn't bother me. Instead of the plan - on the way home he calmed down and asked to go shopping. I had a lovely day with him sitting in the trolley laughing and trying on the $1 shoes I bought him, and me appreciating what an awesome kid I have.

A little bit of mindfulness seems to be working for me. I've been working pretty hard on being mindful and 'in the moment'. I'm trying not to dwell on the 'what ifs' and the 'should do' and instead focus on the 'is'. My plan, is to realise that plans and toddlers generally don't work. My plan is to be accepting of the fact that we may aim to do something and it won't work out because one or both of my children will wake up that morning screaming "NOT TODAY SATAN!!" My plan is to accept that some days I'm Mary freaking Poppins, and some days I eat chocolate for breakfast and we don't leave the house.
Sure, the plan today didn't go as it did in my head. My toddler didn't read his emailed itinerary obviously. But I've gotta say that relinquishing a bit of the control has been very uplifting.

I've also had to let go of the GUILT. This is a scenario I'm sure many of you are familiar with:

ME: I'm going to clean the house today.

CROTCH NUGGET: LOLZ! *power spew*

ME: FML.

CN: I'm a koala bear today! Pick me up! WAAAAA!

ME AT 4pm: Jesus! Is that the fucking time? Well paint me green and call me gumby. I'm the worst housewife in the world. I haven't even done the dishes. How do all the other woman nail this? Like, 100% of all the other women nail this. I know for a FACT that every other mother in the world is able to look after the kids, and clean the house, and have a career, and they even do it with lipstick on. And they probably have play dates planned weeks in advance. I haven't even brushed my HAIR today! My children are going to grow up and hate me because I can't get my FUCKING SHIT together! What the fuck is wrong with me?! Why is everyone else far more superior to me at this? God I need a drink.....

Me today:

My kid was happy. He was fed. He fell asleep in the car. We went out, and nothing blew up. Happy fucking days my friends. Happy. Fucking. Days.

I got home and saw a post about a mum struggling with the whole not being able to make plans because of her kids. And I thought - I hear ya sister. But let me let you in on a secret - if you make plans with friends and have to cancel because your kids have turned into Chucky - your friends will understand. And if they don't understand - you need new friends.

All of my mum friends have cancelled on me with short to no notice and I have done the same. That's how it goes. Sickness, tantrums, sleep times and logistics - it's pretty much a military exercise to line up schedules to catch up with people and when you do, guaranteed there'll be an outbreak of hand foot bloody mouth at kindy which will ensure you're quarantined for that week.

Give into the chaos. Expect the unexpected as it were. As every mother's good friend Elsa says - Let it go. Let it go.

Cheers,

Qld Nurse.

Eat a dick Mummy Guilt

Lately I've been struggling with thoughts that I may have depression again. I've not been enjoying being a parent - mostly because my 7 month old has multiple food intolerances & my 2 year old with sensory issues has hit peak terrible 2's.

When bub eats food that doesn't agree with him it manifests in a grumpy child that doesn't sleep. When my 2 year old is having a day, it starts at 5am with him screaming because the next door neighbour's chickens scared him. Basically we don't sleep. My husband is literally the best, and will get up to both children during the night and help with the housework. He also doesn't complain when on the weekend, when he also deserves a break after working all week, I go full mental and run away for a few hours and leave him with our kids.

We have 2 children under 3. We have 2 children under 3 with quirks that make life harder. We have 2 children under 3 that don't sleep through the night.

Shit is hard, most days. My house looks like Toyworld threw up, most days. I feel like there is never enough hours in the day, most days.

Just to add a shovel of shit onto the pile, on the weekend we saw our paediatrician who assured us it wasn't drastic, but both our children are malnourished. #Yay!

Our eldest because his sensory issues ensure that 70% of the food he eats is carbs - anything even resembling normal food will send him into a meltdown including (from what I hear is a staple with toddlers) spaghetti bolognese. So he needs to keep having formula, a multivitamin & now an iron supplement - oh and obviously we need to get him to eat. Obviously. Because everyone knows getting a toddler to do something they don't want to do, is a piece of piss.

Our youngest, is because he's on a prescription formula and has about 5 safe foods that he can eat without a reaction. So we need to introduce solids a bit faster than what we are doing to try & get his gut used to them. Despite the fact he reacts to just about everything & it takes 3 days for him to get back to 'normal', we then have to repeat the process over and over again thereby ensuring we never fully regain sanity & spend 5 gazillion dollars on wasted food in the meantime.

My world crumbled & I felt like I had failed as a mother, yet again, even though I thought I had been trying my hardest. Obviously I needed to try harder. Because I'm a mum, and we all know there is no way 100% is ever good enough when you're a mum.

I was reassured this morning that I don't have depression, when my darling husband gave me the night off. I took a (totally legal & prescribed) pill, and I passed out from about 930pm to 5am this morning. And when I woke up, I could tolerate the world. Normally when our youngest wakes at 430 because before the sun is up is an awesome time to start the day - I wonder why the hell I did this, and start Googling 'phenergen for kids'.

This morning, it wasn't so bad. This morning I woke up and didn't feel exactly the same as I did before I went to bed at 930pm the night before.

So I realised I'm not depressed - I'm fucking exhausted.

Making decisions when you are running on empty is exhausting. Running a household when you are running on empty is exhausting.

We are taught as mothers that we should be able to to handle anything that is thrown at us - even when sleep deprived. But don't you dare take some time for yourself you selfish bitch. How dare you bring life into this world and then want any time away from it! There are women who would give ANYTHING to be as exhausted as you are right now. Don't you know how LUCKY you are??

Well guess what? Mother guilt can go eat a big fat one today. Sancti-mummies all over the world can sit on my middle finger & rotate. Because I don't give a flying fat duck fuck today.

I'm doing the best I can.

I put myself last, like, a LOT of the time to make sure my family is happy. Today has taught me (again) that I cannot give more than I have. If my cup is empty - so is my family's.

Sometimes I'm Supermum. Sometimes I'm not. But I figure that on average I'm Supermum maybe 50% of the time, and P's get Degrees right? 

So if you're like me, and the world is getting you down.... before you gulp down that Zoloft - stop. Take a look around you, and make sure you're not just fucking spent. Make sure you don't need to sit down, grab a glass of wine - it doesn't matter if it's midday - and tell the kids to fuck off for a while. 

You're doing the best you can, and that's all you can ever do.

Cheers,

Qld Nurse.