Lately I've been struggling with thoughts that I may have depression again. I've not been enjoying being a parent - mostly because my 7 month old has multiple food intolerances & my 2 year old with sensory issues has hit peak terrible 2's.
When bub eats food that doesn't agree with him it manifests in a grumpy child that doesn't sleep. When my 2 year old is having a day, it starts at 5am with him screaming because the next door neighbour's chickens scared him. Basically we don't sleep. My husband is literally the best, and will get up to both children during the night and help with the housework. He also doesn't complain when on the weekend, when he also deserves a break after working all week, I go full mental and run away for a few hours and leave him with our kids.
We have 2 children under 3. We have 2 children under 3 with quirks that make life harder. We have 2 children under 3 that don't sleep through the night.
Shit is hard, most days. My house looks like Toyworld threw up, most days. I feel like there is never enough hours in the day, most days.
Just to add a shovel of shit onto the pile, on the weekend we saw our paediatrician who assured us it wasn't drastic, but both our children are malnourished. #Yay!
Our eldest because his sensory issues ensure that 70% of the food he eats is carbs - anything even resembling normal food will send him into a meltdown including (from what I hear is a staple with toddlers) spaghetti bolognese. So he needs to keep having formula, a multivitamin & now an iron supplement - oh and obviously we need to get him to eat. Obviously. Because everyone knows getting a toddler to do something they don't want to do, is a piece of piss.
Our youngest, is because he's on a prescription formula and has about 5 safe foods that he can eat without a reaction. So we need to introduce solids a bit faster than what we are doing to try & get his gut used to them. Despite the fact he reacts to just about everything & it takes 3 days for him to get back to 'normal', we then have to repeat the process over and over again thereby ensuring we never fully regain sanity & spend 5 gazillion dollars on wasted food in the meantime.
My world crumbled & I felt like I had failed as a mother, yet again, even though I thought I had been trying my hardest. Obviously I needed to try harder. Because I'm a mum, and we all know there is no way 100% is ever good enough when you're a mum.
I was reassured this morning that I don't have depression, when my darling husband gave me the night off. I took a (totally legal & prescribed) pill, and I passed out from about 930pm to 5am this morning. And when I woke up, I could tolerate the world. Normally when our youngest wakes at 430 because before the sun is up is an awesome time to start the day - I wonder why the hell I did this, and start Googling 'phenergen for kids'.
This morning, it wasn't so bad. This morning I woke up and didn't feel exactly the same as I did before I went to bed at 930pm the night before.
So I realised I'm not depressed - I'm fucking exhausted.
Making decisions when you are running on empty is exhausting. Running a household when you are running on empty is exhausting.
We are taught as mothers that we should be able to to handle anything that is thrown at us - even when sleep deprived. But don't you dare take some time for yourself you selfish bitch. How dare you bring life into this world and then want any time away from it! There are women who would give ANYTHING to be as exhausted as you are right now. Don't you know how LUCKY you are??
Well guess what? Mother guilt can go eat a big fat one today. Sancti-mummies all over the world can sit on my middle finger & rotate. Because I don't give a flying fat duck fuck today.
I'm doing the best I can.
I put myself last, like, a LOT of the time to make sure my family is happy. Today has taught me (again) that I cannot give more than I have. If my cup is empty - so is my family's.
Sometimes I'm Supermum. Sometimes I'm not. But I figure that on average I'm Supermum maybe 50% of the time, and P's get Degrees right?
So if you're like me, and the world is getting you down.... before you gulp down that Zoloft - stop. Take a look around you, and make sure you're not just fucking spent. Make sure you don't need to sit down, grab a glass of wine - it doesn't matter if it's midday - and tell the kids to fuck off for a while.
You're doing the best you can, and that's all you can ever do.
Cheers,
Qld Nurse.
