Nurses work extremely hard, long and unfavourable hours. Nurses eat their young and have less compassion for each other than the patients we look after. Nurses are hard arses who really shouldn't be messed with. I know because I'm a nurse. And my husband knows because he's married to a nurse. Which means that unless you stubbed your toe due to the fact you couldn't see.....because there was a carving knife in your eye, then you really need to calm your farm because it's probably not as bad as you think it is.
Mothers are also a force to be reckoned with. I underestimated this force until I had a child of my own and I cannot even describe to you the thing inside of me that will protect my child until my dying breath. Don't mess with my child. Seriously don't.
I had a rough time bringing my son into this world. I had a terrible pregnancy; I was sick several times a day, sometimes to the point that standing up made me spew so I carried a v-bag with me everywhere; I developed severe carpal tunnel at 25 weeks where I had to stop work at 27 due to safety; and then at 29 weeks I developed severe early onset pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome. I gave birth to a 900 gram little boy, almost 3 months earlier than I expected to, we both came close to death and it was traumatic for both my husband and myself. Then I spent 9 weeks in hospital, 12 hours a day, where I was limited in the time I could hold my child, where every single gram he put on mattered and the waiting game of what problems he would have due to his prematurity began. When we got him home, he screamed most of the day and I had many health professionals dismiss my concerns as a neurotic first time mum with post-natal depression. For. Six. Very. Long. Months.
For 6 months my child didn't sleep, didn't eat, didn't poo, and cried non-stop for hours on end. For 6 months I exclusively expressed breast milk for a baby that couldn't breastfeed, because I trusted specialists who told me that 'breast was best' and his gut problems would be worse if I put him on formula. It didn't help that said baby would only sleep on me which made pumping harder which made the stress higher thinking I was failing my son if I couldn't make enough milk. For 6 months, my husband and I fought, cried and took shifts to deal with a baby who we thought was going to cry until the end of time. I lost friends who didn't know how to help, my hair fell out and I didn't even know who I was anymore.
A little time has gone by, I can laugh about it now. Well not laugh, but sigh, somewhat. At the time I seriously considered running my car off the road. Not to die. No, I just thought if I could be intubated in ICU for a little while, the sedation would mean I could catch up on sleep. Just for a day or two. That seemed rational to me. I have no idea how my husband coped because he actually had to leave the house and communicate with real people. He has a fabulous boss.
To compound the issue, my father in law lost his brave battle with Leukemia so in the throws of a sick child, a mentally unstable wife and sleep deprivation, my poor husband had to somehow deal with the death of his best friend as well. To say it wasn't the best time of our lives would be the biggest fucking understatement in the world. It sucked royal donkey dick and I don't know how we both survived.
Then after thousands of dollars, countless tests, a general anaesthetic and a baby chiropractor for fucks sake (because when you're at rock bottom you'll give anything a crack! Get it?!?!) - we discovered that 'breast is best' isn't necessarily true with children that have a cows milk protein allergy. That's why my kid wasn't well. There was something wrong. Which he could have probably been tested for during the 9 FUCKING WEEKS WE WERE IN A HOSPITAL THAT HAS A LABORATORY THAT TESTS THINGS! We put him on an allergy formula. And hours of my time freed up because I wasn't strapped to a pump. And he didn't cry so much anymore. And he slept for longer than 45 mins at a time. And he started to smile. And laugh. And my husband and I realised that parenting was actually not supposed to be as hard as we had it.
My point of this long background story is to give you some understanding of where my priorities lie. I have discovered that having the nicest of the things is not nearly as important as having time with those you love. I have discovered that having the nicest of the things doesn't give you protection from losing people that mean the world to you. I have discovered that although I have to work to gain money, I don't need as much money as I thought I did, because getting the plastic cups and bowls out of my cupboard and bashing the shit out of them until my son laughs so hard he's breathless, well that is free. And also doesn't require me to have the nicest of the things because they get the shit bashed out of them. Would I like to give my son the nicest of the things? Sure, what parent doesn't. Do I think he's better off having the things instead of quality time with me because I've had to work half his life in order to afford said things? No. No I don't.
So here we are, almost 11 months down the track after having hell on earth for over half of that time. For the last 4 months we've had this adorable child who we love with all our soul and I've finally had the time to bond with him and he loves me and I love him. We have a routine, the fogs of depression have lifted and we have our shit sorted. I have only just figured out how amazing it is to be a parent.
And now I have to go back to work. Don't get me wrong, I want to go back to work. I want my son to see his mother and father both contributing to the finances and the housework of the family. I want him to have a good female role model. I want to work at times that will work for my family. My anxiety is sky high thinking about not the actual returning to work, but the politics of having to request shifts that work for my family. The fact that I'm going to be made to feel like i'm in the wrong for trying to put my family first is literally making me feel sick with worry.
Now, I expected that being a nurse and working in a mainly female workforce, this would be one of the things that wouldn't be a problem and as women support women (stop laughing), we wouldn't be made to feel like an inconvenience for having children.
I know. How fucking naive can one get? I should have clued on that there was a clause in the Nurses award SPECIFICALLY for women returning to work post maternity leave. The fact that there NEEDS to be a clause should have been a flag. The fact that my boss was one level above me in the hospital but didn't even phone to see if I was alive when I told her I would unexpectedly not be returning to work because of the possible death thing, well that could have been an indication of times to come. Now I've been informed, that me returning to work on a set roster instead of variable shifts because I have to you know, find times where someone is available to look after my child is a bit of a pain for rostering. Well....
I've been informed that some experienced nurses have not returned to work post maternity leave because they are told that their requests cannot be accommodated. I have to sign a stat dec stating when I will be returning to my full time hours and have that approved by upper management. Well you know what, I don't know when I'll be returning to my full time hours. Because my child might not do well in a child care centre for 3 days a week. Because I might not WANT to put him in child care 3 days a week when I really only need to put him in for one if I have the flexibility to do shifts around when myself or my husband can look after him.
Why the FUCK are we even still having this conversation? Why is having to accommodate people who choose to have a family such a big deal? Your job as management is to MANAGE it. That's why you get paid a metric fucktonne more than I do. You know what a pain in the arse recruitment is? Because that's what's happening when experienced people have to choose between family and work. They leave. They find somewhere that will accommodate them, or alternatively the profession looses out on awesome people. Is it really more of a pain in the arse to try and work with some staff for a couple of years than hire new people continuously because the former have left? It means the public suffer. It means the graduate nurses don't have a wealth of experience to learn from. It means that specialty areas are becoming less specialised because there may only be one or 2 senior nurses left because others have been forced to leave.
Personally for me, it's not a choice. I am a nurse and can get a casual job anywhere I need to. I like the area I'm in from a learning perspective. I'd like to stay. But if I'm made to choose I will choose my family. Hands down no regrets. I will make it work. It will be a piece of piss compared to this last year.
I won't apologise for wanting to spend time with my son over working. I won't be made to feel guilty for not wanting to go a whole day without seeing him at all. In this day and age I won't be told to 'deal with it' and 'make it work'. I find it despicable that women can be and continue to be so ridiculously harsh towards other women. What has happened to me this last year, has meant that the size of my balls have supersized to 'just to try me' proportions. I almost died, I watched my child struggle to cling to life and I had to fight for over 6 months to get anybody to believe that my child was in pain. Anything else pretty much pales in comparison. I'm flexible, but I have my limits and I won't be made to feel inferior for wanting to be in my child's life more than I want to be a cog in a system.
What really sucks is that some women don't have that option. They're not in a profession where there's a shortage. They do have to 'deal with it' and 'make it work'. And that frankly is bullshit. It's fucking bullshit. For all the advancements that have been made with equality and positivity this just goes to show that not much has really changed. The attitude of 'I had to do it years ago so why shouldn't you' is fucking stupid. Why should I have to do it? Do you remember how fucking hard it was for you? Why would you want to inflict that on someone else when it doesn't have to be that way? Maybe the reason you are so bitter is because you were forced to work hours that meant you had 2 hours sleep in 48 hours because you had to look after your child after a night shift and before another one. Things in the world change because it's not working. And this isn't working.
Maybe if we had a government that actually supported women instead of electing a cumwad fucktwat who will appoint himself as a Minister for Women when he clearly isn't a woman, society as a whole would start changing it's view. Maybe the fact that one woman a week is being killed in a domestic incident shows that women are still seen as pretty far down the food chain. Maybe being forced to choose a family or a career is tip of the iceberg in a culture that hasn't changed much since a time when men used to club the women over the head and drag them back to their cave.
If you want to work full time, and you don't have a problem being away from your child, then more power to you. Go you big red fire engine. You shouldn't be shamed any more than I should for your choices. But should your choice make it harder on mine? No. The fact that there is even any angst about coming back to work when you have small children is just so 1950's. It shouldn't be a battlefield. It makes me angry. Really angry.
Cheers,
Qld Nurse.
