I've just logged in, and half a finished blog about how excited I was to be pregnant was waiting for approval. What's that guts? You needed another kick? Of course you did.
I'm sad. Like ridiculously sad. I keep it together the majority of the time, but there's just some times (like now) that I can't keep it in. Mostly because it's 330am I can't call anyone so I'm here blogging. Because sane that's why. So shut up.
Not dealing. No idea how to deal. Sick of getting told 'well at least you know you can pregnant'. Well great then! Hopefully I can lose like another 3 pregnancies just to make sure 'at least I can pregnant'. Hash tag fucking sarcasm.
So life sucks right now. And my husband tries his best to 'be there' and 'support me' and all the other inverted commas shit you can think of. In his defence, he's tried his hardest but he doesn't get it. He probably never will. Mentally, I got it. Emotionally, weeeeellll.....
A week after I lost the baby he was all 'well let's go again'. In all honesty I wanted to punch his fucking head in. Because hormones and anger and grief get the better of me like 50% of the time and it mostly comes out as anger or tears. Neither of which my husband is greatly equipped to deal with.
I feel responsible, I feel like a failure (once again, get over it already right?) and I feel like I have let every single person in our life down.
So that's my last 4 weeks summed up. You caught up? If not, here's a summary:
Ocsober - feeling great
Baby death
Anger
Anger
Drunk
Anger/Resentment
Drunk Anger
Drunk crying
Drunk sad
Anger
Sad
Sad
Anger
Drunk/Resentment
Drunk Happy LOL Jokes, drunk Angry all the time
Drunk
Angry/Drunk/Crying ALL THE EMOTIONS
Fabulous month. Oh by the way 2013, you can lick my balls, hope your 2013 boyfriend dumps you and then you can lick my balls again.
Have a great weekend kids!!
