1. Just accept you will lose all dignity from the start. It's easier that way.
This little gem came rather sharp and fast when my husband walked in on me naked and crying on the toilet, straining so hard from constipation that I thought I would give myself an aneurysm or rip myself in half. Through sobs I asked him to get me a glove so I could give myself a suppository. Sexy. That my friends is unconditional love right there. When someone sees you in that fine form, and still wants to actually have sex with you, hold onto them for dear life. They're a solid gold fucking keeper. I thought about it later, and realised this was probably excellent preparation for labour and we can laugh about it now. Well he can anyway.
2. Kegal schmegal. At some stage you will still piss your pants.
This one goes hand in hand with number 1. I've been doing my kegals like no-one's business. I've checked those little suckers out and can stop mid stream like a champion. Nurse bladder and all. I can tell you now, when you have such a violent spew that your nose bleeds and it comes out your eyeballs, with that added pressure of the baby on your bladder, you will piss your pants. My tip is to have a handy spew bag next to the toilet, so when it happens you can at least spew into that while you awkwardly try & get your pants off fast enough to maintain some sort of undie integrity. Worst case scenario, start stocking up on Tena when you find them on special. Do it now. You'll thank me later.
3. Don't ask a question unless you really, REALLY want to know the answer.
This one is especially true if you work with nurses. Specifically midwives who also dabble in special care nursery or the like. People think because you're a nurse you know everything about every medical condition in existence. This is so far from the truth. I worked with head injuries for a long time. Baby incubation and such are the completely other end to what I worked with and are just as much of a mystery to me as the next first time mother. So unless you really want to know what the actually likelihood of your baby surviving were it born at this particular instance, do not ask. You know the answer to whether you will shit yourself or not, don't be stupid. Do you really want to know what sort of damage will be done to your hoohaa and if it will heal like everyone says? Want to hear about all the ways you or your child could die during labour? You want an in depth description of how a full length mirror can be bought in during labour so you can watch what your hoohaa is physically capable of? No. No you don't. Trust me you don't. Unless it's imperative to your medical care, just ostrich that shit - keep your head firmly in the sand and pretend there will be butterflies shooting out of your lady garden as a harp plays, and the magic of the moment will sweep you up and make everything okay. That's what I'm doing from now on.
4. Just like the first signs of morning sickness, the novelty of the first kicks will wear off.
Especially when baby wakes you up sitting on your pubic bone kicking you in your special place at 2am. Don't get me wrong, it's a lovely reminder that baby is alive and I'd rather it kick than not. But when people think you have developed Tourette Syndrome because mid conversation you suddenly grab your guts & scream 'Oh Jesus Christ you little fucker get OFF there!', you realise the wonderment of the first 'oh my god I just felt the baby kick!' is long gone. Seriously, sometimes it's like a little kick boxer seriously testing the limits of skin elasticity and organ resilience to baby feet. It's lovely but it's fucking painful, and anyone that tells you it isn't, well they're lying to you fool. Which brings me to my next point.
5. Women lie about the 'joy of pregnancy'.
Why? I don't know. Maybe it's because they're evil bitches who lure the unsuspecting in to pregnancy just to smugly laugh at how someone else had to suffer like they did. I honestly don't know. Let me tell you this. I'm not enjoying being pregnant, and I'm telling every person who is wanting to have a baby this. The glow? That's sweat. The calm? That's deep breathing trying to keep the vomit down. Everything hurts and sometimes if you're really lucky (like me) you get complications such as carpal tunnel, bleeding, incompetent cervix, eclampsia or a list of other shit & painful things that by now you'd think evolution would have sorted out. Apparently it's all worth it in the end, and hey some dumbasses go back for it more than once so it's got to have some perks. I'm telling you now to think seriously about whether you are really prepared for a booger eating shit machine to stake down territory in your uterus for almost a year. I didn't. I was so focused on the 'getting pregnant' problem that I didn't focus on the 'once you're pregnant' stage. Be the healthiest you've ever been in your life, no joke. They don't tell you this just to make you feel bad for eating that cake. Make sure you've got a really supportive partner, friends, workplace, Doctor, community phone counsellor etc. Don't be like me and think 'how hard can it be? You get fat and your back hurts a little. So many people do it. She'll be apples.' Dumbass. This girl right here. I've learned my lesson so you don't have to. The cliches are true. You're welcome.
So that's me done for another hormone induced rant. I'm just going to get up and dislodge this kid from my left hip bone before it then kicks me in the stomach & I projectile vomit. I'll probably have to wash my compression gloves & splints that I use for the carpal tunnel again. Then I will get some broken sleep where I will wake up crying after having dreamed that something has happened and this kid didn't get to know how much I love it. Then I will think about how overjoyed I am that this kid has made milestones and is healthy and I can't wait to meet him or her and realise that I would die before I let someone hurt it. Then rock the little bugger to sleep whilst feeling awful for all the other wannabe mummies out there who won't get to experience a baby lodging itself under their hip. Then I'll cry again. *sigh*.
Little shits really weasel their way into your hearts don't they?
Qld Nurse
