Welcome back sanity. I missed you. Promise you'll never leave me again?

So, this is awkward. I apologise for my rage, hormone, sleep deprived, possibly rum fuelled temporary loss of sanity in my previous post. I hope it made you feel better about your own sanity. If you were nodding along & getting ready to jump with me, then it's probably time to see a professional.

As per the previous statement, I actually did see a professional about my mental state. Reluctantly, but I did it.  It turns out, my reactions are mostly normal, human reactions to a pretty shitty situation. Do I have postnatal depression? Possibly. Is it bad enough for a phone call to the little men in white coats? Not yet. Hash tag winning.

For those worried about me, I'm fine. For those worried about my baby, he's also fine. See here's the thing. I actually have a very supportive network around me. My husband is amazing. My mother lives with us and helps out more than she probably should. My good friends are my good friends for a reason - they're good. No they're great.

Turns out there's actually a lot of support out there for those who are able to get it. Some people, aren't lucky enough to get it. Through lack of knowledge, lack of knowledge on where to get the knowledge, or simply because they slip through the cracks & help is too late.

Being a parent is hard. Like super, mega, how have we survived as a species hard. When I said 'how hard can it be?' apparently the universe accepted it as a challenge and complied.

That's cool though. I'll get there. I feel like sometimes our society has turned into something where being sad isn't allowed. When shit stuff happens you're expected to pull yourself up the bootstraps and continue on. It's OK to be sad sometimes, especially if sad stuff is happening.

This whole experience to date has really highlighted a few things for me.

Single parents - you're fucking legends.

You should be awarded as Australians of the Year every year. I don't know how you do it. My husband and I are finding it unbelievably difficult, and we have the ability to give bub to each other so the other can go and take a break. Same goes for people who have partners that work away. Hats off to you.

Mother guilt is real and it can & will kill your soul.

I thought the guilt I felt when I drank some coke whilst pregnant was bad. There are no words to describe the constant fear that I am failing my child. Is he well enough? Should I be teaching him words yet? Is he too hot/cold/insert anything here? Did I wait too long to change that nappy? Should I be taking his temperature more regularly? Did I pass on my crazy genes to him? The list goes on and on. It's ridiculous.

Mother shaming is also real and can & will kill your soul.

Unless you have an over inflated, untouchable sense of self that would rival Anthony Mundine, do not join any 'Mummy' pages/help groups unless they are run by an actual paid professional. If you didn't have mummy guilt before, you sure will after. If you must join, do not, I repeat DO NOT ask a question about how you should/have parent/ed your child. Not only will a war of words erupt, causing Facebook to implode and baby Jesus to cry, but you will end up feeling more shit than you already do due to the amount of Mummy shaming that goes on. There are 3 things you can be certain of in this world - Death, Taxes & the Self-righteous-I'm-a-better-parent-than-you-because-I-feel-passionately-about-x/y/z Mum. I just wish sometimes women weren't such bitches & could help a sister out instead of making them feel worse in order to make themselves feel better. Opinions are like arseholes - everyone has one but sometimes you shouldn't bring them out in polite company.

Sometimes, a flippant comment, or a miscommunication between a health professional & a parent can make the difference between a bad time & a disastrous time.

Today, I had an excellent specialist appointment. He appreciated the fact, that I'm a first time mum, I've had a rough time so far, and I'm fragile. He explained the not so good news in an understanding, calm manner. He made me feel like he had all the time in the world for my stupid questions. We left the office, disappointed but not feeling like it was the end of the world. He gave us his medical opinion and I respected it because of his manner. Before my last blog, I had a specialist appointment with a Dr who made me feel like I was a number, that my questions were irritating, that his time was more precious than mine, and who delivered bad news like it was no big deal that my world had come crashing down around me and 'next please!'. I left the appointment feeling like he should circumcise the dick on his head & I hoped he got genital warts. I also spent the next week in absolute turmoil, trying to find evidence that his opinion was wrong because he is obviously a peckerhead. Note to Dr's everywhere.....

It's ok to ask for help and admit that parenting isn't what you expected.

Remember that part about parenting being hard? Well when I spoke to a couple of my fellow parent friends, they let me in a little secret - it IS hard. Those new parents that look like they have it all together and that it's the most magical time of their lives? They're full of shit. They're struggling too they're just to proud to let you know (see Mummy shaming above). I've had it stuck in my head that I 'should' be doing everything myself & I 'should' be coping much better than I have been because that person on Facebook posted that wonderful status & picture. Well my words of wisdom are this....

Anyway, that's my diary entry for another day. I apologise for my flippancy about PND & mental illness in my last blog. It should be taken seriously & if you're struggling then please get help. Call lifeline, the hospital, a friend whoever. It's surprsing how a fresh set of eyes can change the way you see a situation.

Cheers,

Qld Nurse.