Why jokes about rape are really not funny.

Any views expressed here are strictly my own. I don't speak for anyone else but myself.

Trigger warning - this post talks about sexual abuse and may upset some people.

I cottoned on to a little story in social media this week, about a comedian and a joke about rape.  A woman in the audience took offense and staged a silent protest by getting #UnderTheTable. Comedian took offense to her taking offense and cuts set short. Male comedian then tells female audience member (I have paraphrased here) but basically because she ruined his set, she should die. Tweets that he 'ended up having my worst gig ever'. 

Here's a smh article about it.
http://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/comedy/comedian-ray-badran-tells-audience-member-to-die-for-objecting-to-rape-joke-20150327-1m9hgb.html?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=nc&eid=socialn:twi-13omn1677-edtrl-other:nnn-17/02/2014-edtrs_socialshare-all-nnn-nnn-vars-o&sa=D&usg=ALhdy28zsr6qiq

Here's a mamamia article about it written by the woman in question. http://www.mamamia.com.au/lifestyle/rape-jokes-told-by-comedians/

I wasn't actually there at his show, so I don't know exactly what happened. Maybe the joke was the straw that broke the camel's back after a long day. Maybe the comedian had just read a bad review and he took the insult to heart. I don't know. But here's what I do know.

JOKES ABOUT RAPE, BEING A RAPIST, KNOWING A RAPIST, WITNESSING SOMEONE BEING RAPED, SUGGESTING RAPE -  ARE NOT FUNNY.

Not in any circumstance, in any situation, in any company.

I tweeted something along the lines of this, and it started up a dialogue with a few of my Twitter pals about why such a big deal was being made of this. Not surprisingly, said Twitter pals, were male.  Now the dialogue was kept pretty above board. It wasn't the usual 'fuck u ya slag', 'that time of the month is it?', 'you need to get laid so you can have a laugh' comments that usually get thrown around by men when I start a conversation about not making violence against women jokes. So I appreciate that. But here's a few things I'd like to note:

2 women are week are killed by domestic violence and I'm pretty sure that's increasing. Women earn less than men for doing the same job, will have less superannuation when they retire, were granted the right to vote after men, fuck there's even laws stating what we can and can't do with our body including contraception & abortion. Here's what we're up against. Century upon century of inequality, being told we're just on this planet to please men, being told we are somehow sub-par to our Y chromosome holding peers. If you're religious, this shit gets even worse and I'm not even going to mention the Sharia Law atrocities that are committed against women.

Statistically, women are more likely than men to be raped. I think the stats sit at around 1/3 of women experiencing some form of sexual assault in their lifetime. That doesn't factor in, that there are many, MANY women who don't come forward to report the abuse. I'm one of them. There are 4 women in my close family. The stats are 100% for us. 

Personally, I've been raped twice. I don't go around advertising it, I don't introduce myself as the girl that's been raped, but it has and still does affect me. Like when someone thinks a rape joke is funny perhaps.

Both times, it was by men whom I thought I could trust. Who EXPLICITLY TOLD ME that I could trust them. I knew them, and had known them for a few months before they raped me. Both times I had turned down their previous sexual advances several times.  Both were significantly older than I. Both times I was drunk.

And there it is.....I can hear the collective groan from here. Yep, I was drunk. I was stupid enough, to let down my defences in front of men who I thought, no, who ASSURED me that I could trust them. And THAT is why I didn't report it. Because the go to commentary of rape is that the woman had it coming. That they shouldn't have been drunk because 'what did they expect?'. That they led the bloke on. They shouldn't have worn x, y, z. Does it change your perception if I tell you that both times it was in my house? Not in a sleazy nightclub. I didn't go home with them. Does it make a difference that both times, I wasn't dressed up at all. In fact I believe I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt with no make up and no hair do because it was IN MY HOUSE with PEOPLE WHO I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST.

You know what else was the same? BOTH times, they told me it was MY fault. That they couldn't control themselves because I was so pretty/sexy/irresistible. Both times these men made me feel like I should be ashamed of myself. Both times they made me feel like I should be flattered that they violated me. Both times I felt like I couldn't speak out and have these men held accountable for their actions.  I felt powerless because society has ingrained in me since I was very little that women are second class citizens. That women get raped because of something they did. Because there are men out there, like Ray Badran, who make jokes about rape and rapists for the sake of getting laughs from a few knuckle dragging, dead shit blokes who think it's funny. They think it's ok because 'Chris Rock said it was the funniest thing he'd heard!' They minimise it. They make light of it. They wolf whistle and touch women they don't know, and they think it's their RIGHT to do it. That is has no impact and that it doesn't matter. That 'it's a compliment love!' That we should 'lighten up!'. That it's no big deal. We live in a victim blaming society & it's not ok.

If a women takes exception to this they're a bitch, a 'feminazi', they have no sense of humour 'coz "gawd it was JUST a joke GET OVER IT!" Heaven forbid a woman doesn't find herself flattered that you want to stick your dick in her. 

I get it. It's hard to relate to something you've never experienced. If you haven't had someone violate your personal space and tell you your feelings about it are 'hysterical', then you wouldn't understand what it's like if someone makes a joke about it. I can guarantee that any man who's been raped, doesn't find rape jokes funny. I guarantee than any man who has his wife/partner/sister/mother raped doesn't find rape jokes funny.

If you're a man reading this, humour me for a second. Imagine you get drunk, pass out, and wake up the next day with a sore arse. You shit blood for a week and you find out it's because your mate thought you looked cute in those jeans, so when you were so drunk you couldn't move he had sex you with you. Do you go to the police, because I mean what do you tell them? You don't remember exactly what happened because you were drunk. Your friend tells you that you asked him for it before you passed out. You don't remember this, you've never been interested in this friend when you're sober, but you were drunk so you don't remember. You like this guy, he's a good mate. He tells you that he will never do it again, that he's sorry. He's not normally like this but you are just such a good looking guy. How do you feel?

Then imagine you go out with some friends to try and take your mind off of things. You're feeling a little precious. Then some guy makes a joke about shoving his cock up someone's arse. His mates laugh. 'Coz it's super funny right? Right??

If you're a comedian, roughly half of your audience is female. At least a third of them have experienced some sort of violence sexual or otherwise. If you then tell them that they 'should die' because they didn't find your joke about assaulting someone side-splitting, then you my friend, are a piece of shit. If you object to someone standing up to your disgusting gag about violating someone who will suffer lifelong trauma, then you're a fucking arsehole. If your whole repertoire as a comedian consists of jokes making light of someone else's nightmare, then you're a terrible comedian.

Because rape IS a big deal. It creates wounds that never heal, it kills people's hope, it changes lives irreparably. A person never gets over being raped. They maybe don't flinch when someone touches them anymore. They maybe have a functioning job, a functioning social life and have learned to like sex again. 

But they don't find your joke about rape funny.

Because it isn't. Ever. Because rape is #NotALaughingMatter.

Cheers,

Qld Nurse.

ADIT: I appreciate that women are not the only demographic who have been down-trodden throughout history. For the record I don't find any abuse against anyone amusing, child, animal, racial or otherwise. But for the purpose of this post, I've focused on rape.